How Could You Use A Poor Maiden So?
by taniaSLC
Summary: What if Tess stopped apologizing and Alec started? What if his change of heart were real? Based largely on the Masterpiece Theatre adaptation, slightly on the novel as well. Rated M for later chapters. Tess/Alec pairing.
1. Early One Morning

And when Angel left, he took all the colors of the world along with him. In the world which had become all grays and browns, I could feel the red-hot shame and anger of Sorrow's grave, burning, pulsing, calling me. As if the peaks and valleys separating me from the patch of unconsecrated ground were level, flat, and of no importance. I saw it there; I knew I'd go to the only place I could.

Home was the landing place- each time I left I soared into the air like a winged thing, going to something higher, better, different. Once before I had been shot from the sky, plummeted, and hit the ground, landing at the heath where I took my first steps.

The second time I left, it was longer before I was airborne- sorrow and Sorrow weighing me down. But then came Angel and I flew higher than before- the sun beating my face, looking down upon the clouds, laughing at the birds who, lacking Angel's love, came not so high as I.

And so the second landing came from further away, broke more bones, shocked my heart and nerve and sinew and had me almost dead. And still Sorrow burned.

I found the grave was too near, too fresh, too searing; my skin blistered, my eyes scratched in my head. I bore it as long as I could and then…More suffering and more leaving- not on wings, on barely mended bones and legs twisted with dread.

Months and weeks and days bleeding together in a writhing mass of shame and degradation. Looking, asking, begging, groveling… Thoughts of Angel kept me moving- the thought that someday soon he'd realize the truth of my love, that its purity and truth had razed my past and rendered me new, and he would come for me. How proud he would be to find that my time was not spent idly, but in honest labor, in further endeavor to make myself worthy.

I sent letter after letter- no, that's not right- I _wrote_ letter after letter- I only sent the one. Had the girls check it for me, make sure it sounded humble and contrite. To let him know that I understood why he'd gone, and accepted my part in earning his scorn, but that my love was no less and he would welcomed back by a woman eager to work and prove her love, and to pay penance.

Somewhere in there, a kernel fell into my heart- a kernel of doubt. What had happened to me was just that- something which had been done to me, on me, against me. I'd no hand in the act- I did not choose it, I could not stop it.

So- was Angel right to punish me? If there were punishment, were it not due to Alec- the man who put hand to me in such a way that ever after I bore the mark of a woman who had elected her fate and it were the one of Flesh and Worldly Sin?

If I had asked for his attentions, the matter might be different- but I never once looked for it or approved of it when it was freely given. I never had a mind to what Alec had in store for me, for my fate- had never heard of such things between gentlemen and ladies.

But, still, he was a shifty fellow. For all he was so generous to me and my family, his eyes could never rest on a single place for long. The sounds of his breathing changed when he neared me- quick, sharp… Didn't recognize until too late that it was the sound a fox makes near a chicken.

I swear I never enticed him- not knowingly. I was still such a child when I came to Trantridge, anything he mistook in that way was unintentional. How could a child know to ask for that which it doesn't know exists?

All the while he was hurting me, on top of me, he gasped that my eyes had called him, my lips, my blushes spoke eloquently of my desire, inviting and asking him- even the curve of my neck spoke and begged for his kisses. If this were somehow true, and if I did it not intentionally, there were two entities to blame- nature (my nature, my body itself), or the God who gave me that nature.

Having borne a child who was outright denied a Christian burial and, thereby, Heaven itself, perhaps such blasphemous thoughts came easier to me. What kind of God would damn an Innocent to Hell for not having a particular person pronounce certain rites before it exited the world? What sort of god would give a woman a body and nature to attract trouble she never wanted nor understood, then doom her to wretchedness for the rest of her days?

Such were frequently my thoughts that winter. In a last fit of hope for my marriage, I went to see Angel's family, only to have them speak so very ill of me. That they said such things not knowing I could hear seemed a small consequence- I believe to this day that , had they known I was there, their words might have changed, but their attitudes would not. I ran into his father and mother, whose faces and eyes were more open and kind, but by the time I saw them it was too late- with a cry I had exposed myself and had to flee. And flee I did, knowing that his family was a nail in the coffin of my love for Angel Clare.

A man raised with such people would never forgive whatever offence I was being held accountable for. He really was never coming back… and I was starting to think that was for the best, given my growing resentment of him- he might relent and "forgive" me, but could I forgive him for leaving me so utterly alone, without aid or hope?

That was when I encountered Alec, who reinforced my impressions of the particular version of God worshipped by all around me. What sort of God would deny my Sorrow but accept his degenerate sire?

Alec spoke of his conversion, and I tried so hard to leave, but he grabbed my hands between his. My fingertips were so cold they'd begun to ache, but the warmth of his hands around them eased the pain and gave me pause- not since my aborted wedding night had a single other person made a move to touch me, to hold even a part of me. Something within me began to yield, to melt at the tenderness he showed, and forget the sense of revulsion I ought to have felt.

He saw me pause, must have seen something flicker across my face, through my eyes, and took encouragement. Before I knew what he was doing, he'd flung himself onto his knees. I knew that dampness must be settling into him, the mud staining his clothes, the rocks digging into the flesh of his knees and felt satisfaction at his discomfort.

"Tess- oh, darling Tess- I know I've no right to so much as speak to you after what passed between us, no- what I did to you. What I did was so wrong, so evil, that I willfully blinded myself to it for ages. I was that unable to accept my part in anything done against your person and spirit.

"You've no reason to believe me, but hand upon my heart- I have regretted, I have mourned, have sought God's Grace to find a way of atoning for this evil I committed against you.

"The reason I have never sought you out is that I understand fully that I am unworthy even to look upon your face."

"You seem to be looking upon it now." I forced my chin up, my eyes straight ahead, feeling his gaze, knowing how he craved for me to return it.

"Seeing you again, I find I can't look away. Since you left, I managed to convince myself that your beauty had grown in my mind only because of my devotion to you. I am now forced to admit my love and devotion dwarfed by the encompassing beauty of your every feature."

I pulled back my hands, pressed them to his shoulders and pushed until he fell- again, taking satisfaction from the sound of his broad shoulders smacking into the damp earth.

"Devotion?! Love?! How can you pretend that those have tainted any of your dealings me thus far, Alec D'urberville? Fear, hatred, disdain- yes, all of them. You cannot say love was what you showed me."

In the heat of my speech, all of my anger and bile surged forward and focused upon Alec, who still lay on the ground, abjectly receiving my admonition. And then it all came forward- not just how I felt toward Alec, but God, my mother, and the world at large for spurning me so. I'd spent so much time accepting all that had happened to me that I had never paid mind to the anger, the resentment- the sense that things were not fair. Now, at my feet lay the progenitor of my pains and I felt a blinding fury take hold me of like nothing I'd ever felt before. In that instant, I did something I would never have thought possible- I kicked a man as he lay on the ground.

I kicked Alec in the shin and he made a gasp- of surprise or pain, I couldn't tell. But I liked the feeling so I kicked him again, then again; this last time in the stomach. The sound he made then was unmistakably one of pain and the noise from his throat, from his gut, cut me to the quick.

I drew back in disgust with myself, and had to sit down. Now the wetness of the ground was seeping into my clothes, spreading mud on my best dress, but I couldn't care anymore. I felt the kind of desolation that had lead me to scratch and mark my face with the combination of mud and blood it bore when I first came to the starve-acre farm. My anger had receded- replaced with shame at lowering myself to Alec's state- to inflict physical pain on someone, however deserving, was an act beneath me. Better I had kept walking and never let him stop me.

My thoughts were broken by the interruption of Alec's voice, "I deserved that."

"Mayhap you did, mayhap you didn't, Alec, but doling out such punishment is not up to me."

"It should be- it could be. Shall I lie here and have you kick me some more? I'll lie still…"

"Is that some strange part of your new faith? A liking for kicks to the ribs?"

"No. In fact, avoiding such things has been a powerful motivation for most of my life. But I wronged you. You, who- I know you won't believe this, but it's true- I loved above all others, and never wanted to hurt. I dealt with you in the way I deal with all the world, with violence and under-handedness. What could you do but run away from me? You forced me to own up to my very nature, and seek recompense from the universe. You lead me to God, Tess."

"Then let Him comfort you when I walk away this time, as well."

I looked over my shoulder when I was about a hundred meters away, and saw him still there, watching me leave. I saw him shake his head and then lower it to his chest. He rose to his knees and clasped his hands together. The sight of Alec kneeling in prayer, in the mud no less, was a strangely haunting one that stayed with me all week.


	2. Just As The Sun Was Rising

**Disclaimer: I don't have any actual right to alter anything in the Mr. Hardy's novel, Tess of the D'Urbervilles. This is just my wishful-thinking version of how things could have gone differently. Please take no offense at my playing with his work, and please don't sue me. **

I went about my work at the farm, contemplating things even more than ever. I felt dissociated from the work of my hands, and once more thanked the Lord that my work was mindless and could be done by rote. I would occasionally look down and see things, gauge the progress I'd made, and be surprised at how much I could do while, in my mind, mourning my marriage.

Somehow, it had become official to me- my marriage was over, was dead, could never be resurrected. The part of me that had loved Angel Clare would always be there, but the part of me that was betrayed and neglected would always have dominion over the other. It lay like a black cloud in my heart and mind, and smothered my devotion. The thread that linked my heart to his had been severed, could not stretch across the time and miles and resentment separating us, and I let it go.

This acknowledgement brought me to my lowest place. Before, there had always been some sort of hope, some tiny, shiny thing living in my breast, lighting my vision. When I went to Tantridge it was the hope that I could work and improve my lot in life. When I went home, it was the hope that my child would bring me the love and devotion I'd gotten from no other. When I went out and ended up at McCrary's, it was the thought that I had found a place that, however humble, was safe and warm. After Angel left, my hope was in his return. Now, all was lost.

That night I slept underneath my cot, taking a strange measure of comfort from being tucked into the confining space. I lay there and thought of how the entire world was now a stranger. My parents, Lord love them, were nothing more than slobbering, grabbing parasites. In their way, they loved us all and tried to take care of us, but they were always their own primary concern. My siblings were taunted in village and school, bearing the burden of my failings- I'd done them more harm than good in this life. Angel had left me, had left our bond of marriage, never even took me to his bed. I was utterly alone, and began to see that everything in the world was like the work of my hands in the fields- something detached, something unreal, something that couldn't touch me.

Somewhere, in the midst of this soul-numbing solitude, I remembered the sensation of Alec d'Urberville's hands clasping mine, the press of his flesh warming my fingers. I remembered the look of sincerity as his eyes gazed into mine, as they settled there and begged understanding from me. That was when I remembered that he never even knew of Sorrow- I'd never sent word, and I certainly hadn't told him during our brief meeting.

Perhaps, I thought as I drifted off to sleep, I would see him again some day, and I would tell him then of the son he begat and who lived for too short a time.

The next day I went back out to the fields, secluding myself away in a far, far corner. I hadn't eaten in days and days, having lost my appetite long ago. I was beginning to feel the effects of hunger- slower movement, grinding pain in my stomach, and a strange light-headedness. My thoughts trailed off, starting in one place, moving to another, and I could no longer keep track of where they'd begun. I think that, perhaps, this sort of confusion was similar to what Marian felt each time she imbibed from her ever-present bottle, and I began to see the appeal of oblivion. I think part of me was certain that, someday soon, I'd just keel over from hunger and freeze to death, left there in the field- and I welcomed the thought.

It must have occurred sometime around noon, my loss of consciousness. I remember standing there one moment, a bunch of hay in my hand. Then I had the sensation that I was inside of a bottle, trying to climb up the side and escape through the mouth. I looked to my left and there was a large cat trying to slide up the side of the bottle as well. It opened its mouth and licked me with it's tongue, then said, "Tess- Tess, come back!" It slapped me with its tongue and I opened my eyes.

Opened them to see Alec's face. He was kneeling over me, shaking my chin as gently as possible, gazing at me with a worried expression. When he saw that my eyes opened, he lowered his head and I heard him murmur thanks to that God of his.

"What are you doing here, and who said you could lay a hand upon me?"

"Tess, you silly thing. I was coming to talk to you and saw you keel over. Good Lord- you look drawn and pale; have you eaten?"

"No, not for days. I haven't cared to…"

I was still on the ground, and he was cradling my head in his hands, and I felt so strangely comfortable, my eyelids began to lower again and I began to slip away once more.

"No, Tess, you need to keep your eyes open! Stay awake- keep insulting me if you like, but keep awake. I must get you food. Can you walk?"

I tried to answer, but the words were slurred. He hoisted me to my feet, and I stood, though I was shaky. He put an arm around my waist, threw mine over his shoulder, and we moved, awkwardly, to his horse. He hitched me up into the saddle, got up behind me, and spurred his horse away. I began to list to the side, almost to slip off, and he wrapped his arms around me. There, in his saddle, braced against his chest, I blushed to feel myself enjoying the sensation of safety he offered.

"Alec d'Urberville, I never said you could put your arms about me like this!"

He laughed and I heard him well, even above the thundering of his horse's hooves.

"Too true, Miss Tess, and I apologize. But I am going to take care of you- a little bit, at least, and you must forgive and allow the intrusion. I worry so for your welfare so that I am willing to, for a bit, override your concerns."

We swiftly cantered past the farm and kept going, onto the main road nearby.

"Where are you taking me?"

"There's a small pub near here- I'm going to see that you eat and, if needs be, get a room, a decent room, and some rest."

"I'll not be taking a room at a pub with you!"

"Not with me- Lord, but you're being obtuse, woman! I hope to, over time, prove to you how little you have to fear from me. In the meantime, believe me- I am only looking out for your care. My hand to God!"

He raised a hand as he said this, and it was my turn to laugh.

"I believe no more in this God of yours- perhaps you should find something else to make an oath to."

"Then, my dear Tess, I swear by our shared ancestral home of Trantridge- as it is mine, as it is yours- I will not harm you, or allow you to harm yourself."

"We'll say that I believe you, for now…"

We arrived at the pub and Alec helped me from the horse. Once inside, he secured me a table, and barked an order of food to the barmaid. I vaguely recall, through my fogginess, him making me take small sips of water, and then bits of bread dipped in broth. Part of me was unwilling to accept anything offered by him, but another part wanted to believe him, that he was only wanting to help.

Even as I accepted his ministrations- delicate, tender, and concerned as if offered to an ill child- yet another part of my mind whispered that Alec had never give anything; repayment was always required, and taken by force if not offered freely. What would he take in exchange for this bout of supposed kindness?

He fed me an entire loaf of bread like that, piece by piece. His brow was knit in concern and attentiveness the whole while. I kept trying to speak and he kept shushing me, telling me to just eat and be patient. Only once the entire loaf of bread was eaten would he allow me to speak a full sentence.

"I'm going back now, but I thank you for your kindness, Alec."

"Going to- back to the field? On no account, Miss Tess. You were starving, exhausted, and ill when I found you just now. Much as I loathe the idea of allowing your return to that godforsaken place under any circumstances, for today I'll settle for the relief of those three conditions before you go back. You're fed now, but as to the rest…"

He placed a hand to my cheek, and then visibly paused.

"My mother always said that the surest measure of a fever was a kiss to the forehead. If I were to bestow such a kiss upon you, would you allow it?"

I was going to say no, but my mother's voice crept back to me from the past. She'd said the same, once upon a time, though I hadn't thought of it until Alec mentioned the notion. It must have been ages and ages since. How long had it been since Mother cared for me during an illness, instead of leaving me to my own devices? A sudden urge to be taken care of- coddled, cosseted, and cooed over- came upon me, and the feeling was so strong that I nearly wept.

Instead of letting my tears flow, I nodded to Alec. Very gently, as if I were a fallen bird whose wing were broken and required utmost care, he took my face between his hands. I cast my eyes downward, almost embarrassed by the tenderness of his touch. He turned my face toward him and my gaze shifted upward, my eyes meeting his.

It was all there, all in a single look- one of naked vulnerability that nearly stopped my heard midbeat. The look he gave me bore no trace of animal lust or hunger, no smugness, and no restlessness. Instead it showed true concern, worry. It could have been my fever, but I thought I saw something, the sincerity I'd glimpsed at our last meeting, and something stalwart as well. More frightening than all these together, though, there something else- love. He gazed at me with a love free of hollow adoration. That was the look Angel wore so often, the one given by eyes enraptured by a thing they think beautiful but with no understanding of anything beyond an appearance it found pleasing.

Silly as it sounds, and I know it does, Alec's look seemed to combine love with something of the knowledge of our shared history, an understanding and acceptance of who I was. Oh, to be near someone to whom I would not need to conceal a single thing, who already knew most of my tale without recounting!

He lowered his face to mine and pressed his lips to my forehead. Rather than pull away, I rested there, prolonging the touch of his flesh to mine, allowing myself to believe, for half a moment, that not only did he want to care for me, that it would be nice to let him.

Alec's voice broke through my reverie, his tone heavy with urgency.

"Tess, you're burning up!"

He pulled his face away from mine and turned his head. As he yelled to the barmaid, asking for whiskey, I settled my forehead into his neck, nestling against his shoulder. Looking back, I'm certain that my surrender to him, even in that small gesture, startled him more than the burning fever he'd felt with his own lips.

The whiskey was brought and I tried to drink it, but spluttered and coughed and sent much of it down Alec's fine coat. He didn't seem to notice, just decided to get me to my feet and up the stairs to a bed, and that is all that I remember.

**Note: If you're liking this so far, please feel free to review, or send me message to say so. If you're not, feel free to do the same, I just ask that you be gentle with me. To anyone who's even read this far, I thank you either way!**


	3. I Heard A Young Maid Singing

The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a strange room, in a strange bed. A woman sat nearby, rocking in a chair and knitting in the light of a roaring fire. I suddenly realized how steaming hot I was and flung a heavy blanket off of me. At my movement, the woman turned to me.

"Aha- awake at last, lassie? And are you feeling any better for a sleep?"

I started to answer, and found my throat sore, raw as if I'd spent hours wailing or screaming. When on earth had that happened? I finally managed a scratchy, "Better, ma'am, and thank you."

"You've been asleep these past six hours, I s'pose. Do you know where y'are?"

"Not exactly, ma'am."

She laughed heartily, and I decided that I liked her large, rosy face and toothy grin. Her Scottish accent gave her words a lilt, as if every sentence were a line of music, rising and falling off of her tongue.

"You don't need to call me 'ma'am,' li'l maid. My name be Bess- right told, it's Elizabeth, but call me Bess. This is my tavern. When you took ill, your young man paid me a large pile and asked if I'd look after your personally, and so I've done. Been at your side the whole time."

Again, words took a few attempts before they succeeded in coming from my throat, but I managed to squawk, "Not my young man."

Bess laughed again. "Maybe you want him and maybe you don't, but I'd say he belongs to you, either way. Will it or not, I'd imagine that those eyes and lips of yours could call any man into your service at a moment's notice. And this one, this fine young one, I'd wager he'd follow you to the ends of the earth. He's outside right now- I should tell him you've woken up."

I made a move to stand up, and she was instantly at my side, gently forcing me back onto the bed.

"No, miss, you should not move! Let me look at you…" She gently smoothed warm hands across my forehead, down the sides of my face. She gazed into my eyes and then touched my neck, my hands.

"Thank the Lord, the fever is gone. You were right crazed with it before. Such carryings on as I've seldom seen. But, here, you're all right now. I shall go and get someone to bring you a meal. Some broth and bread, maybe cheese. Do you a world of good. Oh, wait- shall I tell your fella to come inside, then?"

"No- please, don't. I need to ask first- you said I was carrying on. Please, tell me what I did. If I've cause to be ashamed afore Alec d'Urberville, I ought to know the worst of it."

And so Bess told me of all she'd seen and heard. As she told me of how I came to brought up the stairs and placed in a room, I began to remember all that had passed- even though I couldn't remember on my own, I had been awake and I did not faint again.

Perhaps the part of my brain that was feverish enough to be boiling in my head was the part that stayed awake. When Alec gave up helping me walk and simply carried me- child-like, in his arms- the fevered part of me must have been awake enough to be responsible for me curling my arms around his neck and singing him a little song.

Though I was shivering and shaking with fever and chills, Alec attempted to deposit my weary form upon a bed in one of the rooms. That was when Bess came, and tried to help me to get underneath the covers. Alec tried to leave us in peace and modesty, but when he opened the door… The part that boiled, the part that had sung to him, was the part of me that screamed and cried his name.

Had Alec been the one to tell me all of this, I would not have believed him. But Bess told it in so straightforward a manner, and stirred my memory which agreed with all she said. I began to blush with shame as she talked, knowing that she spoke the truth.

I had screamed Alec's name, terrified that he'd leave me. Bess said that I wept and sobbed as if he carried my heart in his and would die if he left me.

He returned to my bedside and made attempt to explain that the woman would care for me, that I'd be more comfortable if he were not in the room, but he would remain just outside the door. At which I grabbed him by the coat- the one I'd only just spit whiskey onto- and looked into his face, tears coursing down my face, and said in a plaintive child's voice, "Alec, to be left by yet another when my need is greatest would harrow my soul itself, worse than this fever. You say you love me-"

"By the gods, I do, Tess!"

"Then, for once, do what I need and ask of you- hold me, please just hold me, Alec!"

In the midst of my cries, the sobs began again, racking my body until they became coughs. Neither would abate until Alec wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest.

"Miss, this next part seems… The whole thing seems as if I saw two people having an intimate moment, like I was present when they were love-making. So, I'm sorry if it seems nosy to say what you both said. But you don't seem to remember so well, and I was just trying to help.

"No, Bess, it's what I asked you tell me, and I trust you mean well. Tell me all, only, I beg of you- never tell another soul."

"Ach- as if I were one to gossip! I promise, lassie, I shall tell none other.

"It's just… When you called to him, and when he answered, the looks you two were giving each other were so… heated, I felt odd standing there listening and watching. But what he said after this, after he did what you told him and took hold of you, seemed strange to me. That's why I remember so well."

I could tell she wanted me to clarify our goings on, but Alec's response to my pitiful pleas was almost as mystifying to me as to her.

"Tess," he'd said as he rocked me like a wee babe, "I know that when you are yourself again, you will regret having said this, and I will not hold you to these words. Fear not- I know you are not yourself, or you would never say these things. I promise, love- I promise to forget…"

As Bess repeated Alec's promise, it all came back to me. I recalled not just the words that were spoken, I remembered how it felt- the calm sense of security which enveloped me with his arms. That I stopped coughing and took deep breaths, feeling a strange sensation. I had breathed in and out and realized that a part of me had been holding my breath for years, since leaving Sorrow's grave for the first time. The fear of my secrets being known, the fear of damnation and the condemnation of the world upon my head, and even knowledge of the sin that Alec's touch had seared into my skin But, in Alec's arms, in a fever that perhaps forced a certain truth from my lips, I had breathed again for the first time. Was it possible that his touch, given in compassion, could have healed what was left when it was given in dissipation and violence?


	4. In The Valley Below

Bess watched me for a moment as I thought, and then sighed. She got back to her feet and tucked in the blanket around me.

"I'll go send for some food for you. What shall I tell the young man?"

"That I am still sleeping. I've no wish to see him- no idea what to say when I do."

"How about we'll get some food in your belly and see what you think about it then?"

I nodded and she left. I could hear Alec, just outside the door, anxiously asking after my well-being, and Bess quietly assuring him that she was just getting food against my waking, and that I still slept. But then her tone became placating and assuring, as she told him that my fever had gone away. He exhaled a sharp breath and thanked her fervently. She offered to bring him food, but he refused, saying he would simply pray and wait.

Bess returned with food and sat telling me silly stories of the journey that had lead her this far south as I devoured the meal. She kept a lovely, idle flow of chatter until I was ready to speak.

"If you be of a mind to unburden yourself, I promise that I can keep secrets quite well. Maybe I can help, maybe I can't, but I wager you'll feel better for having out a good talk, miss."

I smiled. "Bess, you're just curious yourself. I wouldn't normally tell anyone any of this, but maybe you've seen enough of life that you can help. Or, maybe the silence of my pride is what has made me sick… or maybe it's the death of my hopes."

"Far too young to talk like that…"

"I am not, either. I'll tell you this much. That fancy man out there, the one who sits there praying and worrying for me, is the author of all of my unhappiness. He… hurt me, once. Hurt me in such a way that I don't think I'll ever be whole again. I went as far away from him as I could, and I tried to forget my past. But one after another, my comforts and anything good became tainted by that one wrong that was done to me. And so now I'm here- I work at the farm up the road It is hard, it is brutal.

"But now, as you see, there he is. He says he's changed, he says he wants to make reparation for what he did. He says he wants to help me. But- can someone change from a being of evil into a person of goodness? And, even if that's possible, is there any way he can help me, any way that I can trust him that much? Is it possible that… Tell me, Bess- have you ever known someone who was able to change their very nature?"

"Oh, lass, that is a hard question. I've known good men who went the other way. I've seen men, and women, twisted by the hardness of life into something other than what they started being. Maybe if I were rich enough to be around a different class of people, I might have seen things go the way you mention, but I don't and I haven't. But maybe that doesn't mean it's impossible.

"I can tell you that, from when he first spoke to me to just now outside of your door, he's only been worried for you. He seems to be thinking of nothing else, except that you get better. And the look on his face when you cried for him before- he was in agony. From what he said, I truly believe that he knew that you didn't mean it, but he wanted you to. He held you in his arms and you both seemed at peace. Not saying it's worth anything, really, but maybe it is. Maybe if someone is the person who you cry out for when you're sick, when you feel alone, maybe part of you really only wants them."

"Are you sure I said nothing else, called for no one else? My mother, or-"

"No. Though, in your sleep, you spoke, and wept. I didn't think it was anything but the fever, but since you ask, I'll tell. You said, 'The angel's wings, they'll cut out my heart. Someone save me from the angel.' And I hope that makes more sense to you than it does to me."

I went so still at her words, remembering the dream of an angel whose wings, wings of blinding white blades, had torn me to ribbons. The Angel that had killed me with its purity…

"Bess, if he's still outside, ask him in, please. I need to see him."

As she got up to leave, she bent and kissed my forehead. "Oh, lass, I trust you'll do what's right here. You've the face of a good woman, a true woman. You will know what to do when the words need saying."

When Alec entered the room, hesitantly, like a child being called forth by a parent to account for a wrong, I was sitting up in the chair lately occupied by Bess. She stuck her head in the room after him, asking with a look if she should stay. I shook my head, smiling, and she closed the door.

"Tess, are you sure you're well enough to be up?"

"No, Alec, I'm fine. I ought to get back to the farm, but I needed to talk to you first. Here- take my seat."

"No, I'm fine here. Or, if you want me to sit…" There was a footstool that he dragged to the far side of the room, and he squatted upon it, in the same place where he'd been standing.

"Afraid to come closer, Alec? Afraid I'll kick you again?"

"As I said, it would be what I deserve. I thought you'd prefer not have me too near. I've no wish to unsettle you."

"That is kind and thoughtful, but you might venture nearer. I've something to tell and I have a small voice at present. I awoke with a very sore throat, as if I had been yelling in my fever- did I, do you remember?" I was trying to see if he would fling in my face the things I'd said. I wanted to see if he really would keep his promise to forget.

"You were distressed, you called a bit. But nothing out of the ordinary for someone as ill as you were when you were brought upstairs."

"Did I say anything? Did I call for anyone or say anything strange? I hate to think that I embarrassed myself in your presence."

"How could you embarrass yourself to me? I know that the words will sound like ash from my lips, hollow and unworthy, but, truly, you are the purest and loveliest woman I ever knew. Nothing could change that."

"Ah, the compliments of Alec d'Urberville. Still potent…"

"Oddly enough, since my conversion, I've had little to say to anyone on any topic other than eternal damnation and the inherent sins of human nature- having indulged in so many myself, I felt qualified on the subject. You won't believe me, but seeing your face has, somehow, given me hope for the beauty of humankind. The beauty imbued by God in our creation, the beauty of which we are unworthy except through the sacrifice of his Son."

"Alec, please. I've told you- I've no room for your version of God in my view of life, of the world, of the people I've met and known. Believe what you will about Him, but don't preach to me."

He laughed derisively.

"Do you laugh at me, Alec? At my simple thoughts and theology?"

"No, indeed. I laugh mostly at my own frivolity. When I came to the church, under the guidance of a Mr. Clare, I found that my passion for sin was translated into a passion for preaching the Word of God. I hadn't realized that my fervor for one was filling a hole left by the other until I saw you, and you made me think of things I hadn't thought for a long while. The fire has traveled on, away, as it does. I am still devoted to God and my decision to follow His ways, but the need to burrow through the countryside and remind everyone of their evil has passed. Just now, though, I found myself in the habit again. Forgive me.

"But, I must ask- you seem more learned than when we last had chance to discourse. Have you been studying?"

"I knew someone. He had much to say on the matter of God and sin and justice and good and evil. His father was a preacher, and he was used, I think, to talking quite a bit about such things. I think he might have just been talking to sound out ideas, sort out what he really thought about such things. Now that I think of it, I doubt he ever considered that I might be thinking on what he said.

"In truth, though, my thoughts about God have, since we last met, been mostly formed by my own hardships. By having met men of the cloth who did and said things which I find it hard to forgive. By puzzling with God on my own terms, to find out why He says and does things the way He does."

"You've been wronged by men of the Church? In what way?"

"I might as well tell you. You've been kind to me in the last day, I owe you at least the truth in return for such kindness-"

"No, Tess! You owe me nothing, nothing! Please don't think that way! After all I've done to you, there will never be a time when I won't still be indebted to you. But, leaving such thoughts aside, I've been kind to you out of love for you- not to make you feel as if you owe me anything. You would be well within your rights to get up, leave this room, and never speak to me again.

"I don't want that to happen, but I deserve no less. I'm only grateful for the opportunity to do this thing, to have provided a sort of care to you in a time of need."

"Oh, if only I could believe that. But you know that I can't, Alec. I remember a time when you gave me a position in your household. I thought it was to be kind, but it was only to have me in your clutches. And then, you replaced the horse I'd lost my family, but that was only to have me indebted to you even more."

"Tess, don't!" He leaped to his feet and started toward me. I jumped back in fear, a reflex of self-preservation causing me to fling my arms before me, as though to stop a swing. After a moment, I lowered my arms and looked at him. He'd backed up until he pressed to the wall and was looking at me with the stricken expression of one who has received a blow. Could it really be possible that my reaction, to protect myself from his sudden fury, had somehow caused him pain?

"Tess, oh, Tess- forgive me. You fear me still, I see. I was not about to strike you, I promise. I couldn't hurt you- not like that, not anymore. I just had to stop you, you see, I remember well the events leading up to that night in the woods and every manipulative, deceitful thing I did to you. Believe me- the memory of all my dealings with you burns into my mind, my soul. Every day I think of how I treated you and how, in my selfishness and violence of spirit I destroyed any chance of happiness I might have had with you."

He sank to his knees, and for a moment I was terribly afraid he was going to start praying again, and that I could not have abided. Instead, he looked at me from his low position and sank back onto his haunches.

"Of all the things I've done in my life, all the wrongs I've committed against myself, my family, and everyone I've ever encountered, you are my greatest regret, Tess. Thinking that there'd always been a chance that I might have won you by fair means, that somehow our hearts were meant to be knit up together and I had torn asunder the future that was intended for us together. I know it can never be now, I accept that. But I will regret, every day of my life, the future that I ruined for us both."

I said nothing for a long moment. What could I say? How could I respond to such seeming sincerity? The man who seemed to be cowering from me looked like Alec, talked with Alec's lofty inflection and rich accents, yet it was as if a soul had finally filled the hollow shell of his body. As if some sort of human blood had been put in his veins that, before, had seemed to run with the venom of a serpent. The part of me that wanted to believe him was growing ever larger, and my lack of fear at this development caused me more worry than anything.

"Come over here, Alec. Come sit by me." I beckoned and he silently rose, crossed to me, and knelt at my feet. In the light of the fire I could read his eyes, I could hear his breathing, I could judge him and his intentions more clearly. His eyes were damp, as if his declarations had been quietly accompanied by nearly crying. His cheeks were flushed with the passion of his feelings, his breaths tremulous. I felt the urge to reach out, to move a lock of hair from where it dangled in his eyes, to read the relief that I knew would be on his face if I were to forgive him enough even just to willingly touch him.

"I bore a child."

"You- what?"

"After I went back to Marlott, I bore your child, Alec. Our child."

A dozen emotions and thoughts played across his face, and I could read each clearly. Confusion, wonder, a certain amount of awe, even.

"You never said- why did you not write?"

I paused, just to see if he would answer that himself, and he did.

"But then, how could you? If the choice was the contact that man I was, the man who had wronged you in the first place, it wasn't a choice at all, really. He, no- I was a monster. What a terrible father I would have made! No, not even a father. To be honest, I know of a doctor in London who is able to make women not be pregnant if that is their wish. I'm sure I would not have rested until I had sent you to him…

"A boy or a girl?"

"A boy."

"What is his name… a son. I have a son…"

"No, Alec. You had a son. His name was… I named him Sorrow, for he was my sorrow born flesh."

"Had. Was. What happened?"

"He died. Almost right after he was born." The pain that was a part of me but never given voice rose to the surface and I choked out a sob. "He lived only long enough for me to love him, to love him more than I ever thought anyone could love anything. Only that long." I drew a ragged breath, trying to steady myself- only to see tears coursing from Alec's eyes and down his pale face.

"I had a son, and he died. And you- oh, my Tess! And you were alone?"

He made to reach for me, but stopped himself. Instead, he pressed a hand to his mouth to stifle a cry. He whispered the name of Sorrow and his eyes met mine, reflecting back my own pain and loss. It was as if, while I watched, Sorrow seared into his soul, as he had done mine. An abyss of misery formed in his heart, and I heard its echo in the crying that he stopped bothering to silence.

"And you were alone. What did you do? How could you bear it?"

"Women lose children everyday, Alec. One less little soul in the world is nothing unusual. Of course, he was mine, and that was all there was. And then, even worse, I had to bury him in unconsecrated ground. He was never baptized, so the church would not let him in with those who had been. I baptized him myself, right before he died, in the black, black night. But they said it didn't matter, and they cast him aside with the suicides and the drunks and I could not even have that bit of comfort.

"That was when I started to hate your God, Alec. I could not bear the thought of going to a church that would think to punish an innocent life in such a way. A church that would cast aside a woman like me- who had not chosen sin, had it forced on her. I was a miserable wretch in their eyes from the day I returned from Trantridge. They judged me, they judged my son- he never did wrong, how could he? But according to them, to their rules and their laws, he was just a sinner and they think he burns in Hell even now."

"You know that is errant nonsense, don't you, Tess? As much as I want to say that any child of yours would, surely, be given a special place in Heaven because of his mother's goodness, the fact is that all children receive such love from their true Father, whatever His fools on earth say. You know that, don't you, Tess? You don't really think…"

"No, I don't really believe them. I know that Sorrow is in Heaven. I know that God has taken him in and loves him until I can be there. But I can never forgive those who would claim anything else to be truth."

"Your friend, the one who discoursed on matters of doctrine, did he have anything to add to that? What did he say when you spoke of it to him?"

I laughed, trying to picture Angel Clare's face if I'd ever spoken any of my thoughts about God and His representatives on earth out loud.

"I never said a word to him about my hatred for the church. I don't think he'd have liked my thoughts much."

"Did you tell him of Sorrow?"

"After Sorrow died my mother advised me to never tell another soul. I went away from Marlott, from my family, and I pretended that none of it had ever happened. I never lied, exactly, but I never told anyone of what had happened to me, or the child I bore, the child who died. Including that man, the one with ideas about God. Not until…

"Alec, I loved him. So help me, I loved Angel Clare body and soul and when he asked me to marry him I said no, because no man as good and true as him should have a wife as tainted as me."

"Tess- don't say such things! You can't mean that you truly think of yourself in such terms! If any man on this earth were blessed enough to earn your love, what could he care about which sins some evil man had forced on you?" It was as if Alec had forgotten that he was that evil man. But I'd seen his eyes when I told him that I loved Angel. His reaction was quick and he said nothing, but he looked exactly as if I'd kicked him again. If he really had loved me, if he really thought that he and I were somehow destined to spend our lives together, it must have been uncomfortable to hear of my hopes for a future with another man. The fact that he seemed to be pushing these thoughts aside and discussing the matter as some sort of advocate for my part seemed further proof of his earnestness.

What a strange world, to find myself confiding to Alec d'Urberville about my love for Angel Clare! How strange to realize that, in a moment, when I would tell him about Angel leaving the way he did, I had a feeling Alec would be angry and indignant on my behalf, instead of laughing at me for being such a fool. The Alec I'd known all those years ago would have laughed, most assuredly. This strange new creature in his skin would, I knew, never do that. Strange doings indeed.


	5. Oh, Don't Deceive Me

"But Angel did care, Alec."

"Wait- I only just caught- did you say that you loved a man named Angel? Angel Clare?"

"Yes. I'm lead to believe that you know his father?"

"Of course- a good man, a Man of God. But isn't Angel gone to South America?"

I nodded, slowly. I hadn't known in absolute certainty where Angel had been all this time, but he'd said South America, or Brazil, or both- who could remember now? When he left all that mattered was that he was not with me, not where he went to achieve that end.

"I tried to say no to him, and I did. A number of times. But, finally, I let myself believe him. Believe that he loved me truly, that he would stand beside me for always, if only I would let him. But I could not follow what Mother said- I had to tell him about what had happened in my life. Could a man love someone he did not know, and he could he know someone without being informed of her past, of such dire events?

"And so, on the night we were married, I told him all. About you, about Sorrow…"

"What did he say? I see from your face it was not pleasant. But what could have inspired him to flee so far away, to leave you here, and to do nothing to stop you from working at that hellish farm?"

"He said, after I told him, that I was a different person. That he'd fallen in love with one Tess and married her, only to find a different woman in her place. I begged to stay with him- not even as a wife, as a servant if nothing else- just to be near him would have been enough for me. But he left. He said I wasn't to write him, he'd find me when he was ready. He left money for me with his family, so that I could go claim it if I had need."

Alec made a derisive noise that was almost a snort but not quite. "He thought you would do that? How could someone who knows you believe you would ever lower yourself enough to ask for money from strangers? You've a difficult enough time accepting help when it's offered freely; you would never ask for it. How much could he expect you to humiliate yourself, to subjugate yourself so much to his whims?"

I laughed. "You might have believed it if you'd seen the effect he had upon me. To give myself over to love, to submit to it so completely, was all I desired. If he'd bade me walk barefoot around the world I'm sure I would have, and never stopped to ask the reason why."

"The day I saw you, on New Year, you were very near to where the Clares live. Were you there to see them?"

"Yes, I… That is… It did not go well."

"I saw them later that day, they made no mention of meeting Angel's wife, and I think they would have. They didn't approve of his match with you, but they were most eager to meet you. They worry about him, you know. They think he's a heathen, given over to the lowness of a life working the land, entrenched in the earth. But his father holds him to be quite intelligent, for all that."

"I always thought he was, too."

"But he- have you had no word from him?"

"Not one word."

"Did you even know where he was?"

"I had an idea, but not really."

Given the fact that a moment ago I'd been consumed with grief for my child, I was surprised to note that discussing my marriage elicited almost no response. Nor urge to cry, or hide my face, beat my chest or rend my garments. I had not realized exactly how distanced I'd become from Angel. A few days prior, my grief had been extreme- could Alec be the thing that had changed that, or had the fever burnt it out of my very soul?

Alec rose to his feet, crossed the room, and began to pace. He seems at war with himself, murmuring under his breath and waving his hands a bit.

"Alec? Is something wrong?"

"Wrong?" He shouted at me. I flinched slightly and he checked himself. "Yes, Tess, of course something is wrong! You loved someone, he won your heart, and he left you, like the worst of brigands! That is wrong! How could- What was he thinking? Does he suppose that the love of a woman like you is something to treat lightly? To be cast aside? Had he loved you truly, nothing in Heaven or Hell would have been able to alter that, and certainly… Oh, God." He stopped, a horrified look crossed his face and he looked at his own hands, aghast at something he seemed to see there.

"It is all my fault, isn't it, Tess? If I hadn't hurt you the way I did, you would still have your husband, you would be happy. I've robbed you of- oh, Tess. How you must hate me."

He sagged, as if under the weight of his guilt and responsibility.

I got to my feet and walked, tentatively, toward him, unsure of my own feet. But I had a sudden impression that he was about to begin hitting his head against the wall, or would somehow act out the sense of self-hatred that seemed to be rolling from him in waves.

"Alec, that is not right. What you were saying- if he loved me the way he claimed, he would not have left. I believe that is the truth of this matter. If his love were true, it would not have crumbled underneath the weight of anything, not even my secret. If he were the man that I thought he was, and the man he probably still thinks himself to be, he would have stayed. At least, that is what I think now.

"When he first left me, I blamed you more than anything else. I blamed you for everything. But I've had such time to think of things that I now see his fault in the whole affair. You did what you did, you are responsible for those actions. But he made his own choice- you are not to blame for his-" I paused, as always, searching for the correct words to put to my convoluted feelings and thoughts.

"Lack of honor?"

I laughed at the amount of disdain Alec put into these words. I briefly considered the fact that, once upon a time, had Alec said such things of Angel Clare, I'd have stabbed him through the heart with the nearest sharp object. But now, I was willing to admit that he had a point.

"I was going to say his failing."

"Tess, you don't seem angry. Do you still love him? Do you still hope against his return? You went to see his family only a few days ago- were hoping to find out where he is and to go to him? Do you want him back at your side?"

I sighed and went back toward the fireplace, stoking the flames to give me time order my thoughts, lest I say something I did not mean or that was not true. Such honesty can be wearing on a person's soul, I was finding. I felt as if all of my defenses were gone, and I was letting them stay there.

"No, I'm not angry anymore, though I was, for a while. I think that when I struck you the other day, part of the anger that gave me the power to do such a thing was directed at him and not you. But now- no. Not angry. Nor do I love him any longer. It is as if the love I bore him was tied up in the anger at his leaving, and now they've both died, starved to death. I haven't the energy to sustain so much passion toward him, on either account. I feel regret, but that is all."

He was suddenly standing behind me, quite close. I could feel his gaze upon me before I felt his hands grasp my shoulders, gently turning me to face him. I let my eyes wander up from his chest to his face, and found his eyes boring into mine.

"Are you telling me the truth? If you love him, I will get him for you. If you want him, I will compel him to return. If he is your choice, if he is what you want, I will see to it that you are not denied. I owe you reparation for what I've done in the past, and if he is your heart's desire, I would not have you want for him."

"Truly, Alec? Don't you profess to love me? Wouldn't you rather have me for yourself? I mean, here I am, a disgraced woman. For some reason, a very respectable man from a good family took me to wife and then left me desolate. I toil in the fields, doing work that would be difficult for a hardened man. I've left my family, bringing them only disgrace by association with me. I am alone in the world, and perhaps more vulnerable than any prey you could wish. And yet you offer to bring another man to me? You offer support of my marriage to another?"

"Do you not see that this is hard for me? There was a time I would have raged, stormed, and tried to bully you. Part of me yet is insisting, in my mind, that if you belong to any man it is to me. But that is my nature- selfishness. Perhaps the test of a man, a real man- which I am trying desperately to be, for both our sakes- is that he realizes his own nature is what he must rise above. Greater love hath none than this- that he lay down his life for a friend. My life is only as valuable as any happiness I can bring you, don't you see? My love can only be served by seeing to it that you have all the love and joy that you can, and what kind of friend would I be if I did not do all in my power to bring that to you?

"I long ago destroyed any hope that your happiness would be found in me. I know that, I accept that- it can be no other way, after all I've done. But if it is in my power to help you, to fix what I've broken, to see you smiling, enjoying your life… That is all the happiness that I could ask for, that which I could give you. And if your happiness is to be found in Angel Clare, then I will see it done. What is your wish? I will make it come true, as best I can. Perhaps the agony I would feel at seeing you happy with another man would be a sacrifice. You might see it and be pleased with me somehow."

I reached up without thinking and laid a hand to his cheek. His entire body went still and rigid. It was like I could feel his thoughts- how much he wanted to touch my face, to close a hand over mine and hold it to his face for eternity, but how great a task it was to stop himself. That was when I realized how tortuous even my touch was to him.

I lifted my other hand to the other side of his face, holding it now, looking deeply into his eyes until all he could do was look back into mine. I willed him to see how little anger I bore him now, how he had nothing to fear from me- to see the forgiveness I'd suddenly found. It was a little thing, living in my chest, newly borne and just beginning to breathe, but it was for him.

"Who is this, who looks at me with the face of Alec D'Urberville yet speaks words of a completely different man, showing me an actual man, where I left a vile, spoilt child? Can it be that it's really you? A version of Alec who bears the power to see the pain of others and aims to help ease it? I do not know this man…" I traced my fingers over his skin, as if relearning the patterns there. I touched his brows, and his eyes closed. I brushed a thumb across his lips and a weighty sigh escaped from between them. He whispered my name and I could feel his breath against my skin, affecting me in a way that he hadn't since I had first known him. The stirring in my blood awakened memories of the girl I'd been, of the boy he'd been. We were both completely different people now- the road had been long, hard, and fraught with unspeakable pain, but it lead right back here. Maybe it was destined to be so, and Alec was right. Perhaps our hearts had been borne just to knit together into one. Just because the road had twisted and turned in ways neither could predict, perhaps it was still everything that was supposed to happen, coming together in this one moment.

He lowered his head to his chest, his eyes still closed. I made to lift his chin with a finger, but he resisted me. Holding him with both hands, I finally succeeded in lifting his head, but he refused to meet my gaze again.

"Why do you fight me, Alec?"

"I am not worthy of looking at you, Tess. You are to beautiful, too perfect, too pure. I tried to spoil you- I did!- but it couldn't work. You are still the loveliest thing I could dream of existing. I am so worthless, so low. Who am I that you are even willing to touch me?"

I could not believe the words I was speaking until they were out of my mouth, but I knew they were the ones I could have said at that exact moment- "You are the man who gave your smile to our son."


	6. Oh, Never Leave Me

At my words, Alec's face fell, crumbled, dissolved into a mask of despair and regret. I pulled him down to me, resting his face against my neck, stroking his hair as he began to weep. He finally let his arms go, wrapping them around my waist, holding onto me as if to help him stand. I wended my arms around his shoulders and held him tightly, strongly, giving up the urge to keep him away, seeking only to impart comfort to the grief that wracked his body with sobs.  
He kept trying to speak, but each time the weeping overcame him again. I shushed him like a child, encouraging him to wait for the words to come. For now, I could feel him experience the mourning of a parent for a child, and the fact that he only now had learned of the child's existence seemed to not diminish the sadness as he whispered Sorrow's name against my flesh.  
After a few more minutes of this, his breathing began to calm and he said, "Tess, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for what I did- how I hurt you, how I was not there when you needed me. And our son…"  
I reached up with one hand and resumed touching his hair, stroking his head and shushing. I turned my head slightly, my lips close enough to his ear that I only had to make the slightest whisper to be heard.  
"Alex D'Urberville, you are forgiven. I bestow all the forgiveness I have to offer, wholeheartedly. I bear you no ill will, I wish you no harm. I only want you to be at peace now."  
He shifted his stance and stood upright. His look was questioning and doubting as he asked me, "Tess, are you sure- I don't deserve your forgiveness."  
"Oh, Alec. That is beside the point. Isn't it the teaching in your Bible that none of us deserve forgiveness? Isn't that what they call the Grace of God? The Grace of Tess may not matter so much, but it's what I have to give you now, if you'll accept it. I've had to move forward, to leave the past back where it belongs, and I want you to do the same. Least so far as your past and mine are linked."  
"Where does that leave us in the present?"  
"It leaves us…" I stepped from his embrace and he looked worried. In place of my arms around him, I held out a hand. "It leaves us friends, Alec."  
He took my hand and shook it. I smiled and then laughed. "Angel read me a book once where someone said that love is when two hearts are holding hands. That's what our friendship can be."  
He stared at our hands and, finally, a smile stole across his lips. "Friends," he said, as if trying out the sound of a newly learned phrase. "I don't actually have any of those."  
"I have very few. Only the girls, really- oh!"  
He looked a question at me and I clasped a hand to my mouth.  
"I'd forgotten about the farm. They're sure to notice I'm not there. I'm contracted there for months yet, and if I leave now I get no payment for any of the work I've done all year!"  
"Tess, you should not go back. I know that a commitment is a promise, and keeping your promises is important. But that place is a terrible degradation to any who work there- especially you. Please don't go back."  
"Where would I go instead?"  
"Can you really not go home? Has your family cast you aside so firmly?"  
"No, they never did, really. But the talk in the town about me was terrible. The younger ones were having trouble at school, all of the children teasing them because of their harlot sister. And if anything should happen to my father- aside from being an old, useless drunk, he truly does have problems with his heart. The doctor does say that he could die anytime. When that happens, it could be possible for my mother and the children to stay on the farm, but the landlord wouldn't let them. I'm such a disgrace, they'll say that there are other families who don't have fallen women in their ranks, families that will be better for the village than mine."  
"But that is disgusting! It can't really be so, can it? Evil, small-minded cretins! You don't listen when they talk like that about you, do you?"  
"No, not really. I don't care what they say about me, except when they use it as an excuse to treat my family ill. I can't help feeling that they'll do much better without me being there. Before I came to the farm here I looked everywhere for work, but there was none to be had. This was my only choice.  
"But I am tired of my own troubles and questions. Where do you go now, Alec?"  
"I'm not sure, really. I've canceled any of my preaching engagements, and that's the closest I've ever come to having a vocation. Lacking a desire to return to London and the various pitfalls of sin and depravity I so often enjoyed there, I suppose I'll return to Trantridge. Only… I did have an idea."  
"Which is?"  
"It's up to you, Tess, and I'll only do it if you say it is an idea that meets with your approval. I'd like to… I know you said you could not bury Sorrow in consecrated ground, because of the idiotic rigmarole of the Church. But you said there is a grave, correct? I would like to visit his grave."  
My heart welled up inside of me at his boyish request. The request itself, of course, wasn't- the desire to see his son's grave belied a maturity and love that did him credit (when told of my child, Angel had seemed to spare him no thought, his only concern being the circumstances by which Sorrow was born). But he asked the question like a child seeking permission from someone they dared not hope to grant it.  
My mind made itself up at the question.  
"Yes, Alec, I'd love to take you there. Shall we say that we'll set out in the morning? I could use a bathe and some more rest, but I suspect I'll be ready to move tomorrow. What say you?"  
"What about the farm- your wages? I don't like the idea of you returning, but I don't want to rob you of what is rightfully yours. Are you truly willing to walk away from it?"  
I nodded, already feeling relieved at the prospect of never going back to that vile place. Part of me thought that I should go and see the girls one last time, but I also knew they'd only be happy for my escape, as I would have been for theirs. I would send word once I reached home, and assure them of my well-being. As for the money… that would sting. But, to be honest, I think that my greater reason for working there was not the money, but the need to work a kind of penance for my wrongs. After my talk with Alec, and the chance to voice all of my thoughts, I felt cleansed not only of my imaginary guilt, but also of my anger at everyone. What better time to start anew and see what life would bring for me? True, most of the turns in the road of my life had not been for the good, but things were feeling better now. At the realization that I had a friend in Alec D'Urberville, color had begun to creep into my vision of the world, and I welcomed it.  
"The money be hanged- I've lost the will to return. I'd rather have my wages, but not if it means dealing with Groby ever again. It was only a pittance, anyway. Promise me you'll take a room here, Alec, and not spend another night sitting guard outside of my room."  
"I don't mind- I liked being near, in case I could help in some way, much as I believed you wouldn't agree to even see me. I must say- this has worked out much better than I could have hoped or prayed."  
"Stop- I think you're on the brink of calling yourself unworthy once more, and it's disturbing to hear you say such things and mean them. Go, get yourself a bed for the night, and if you see Bess, could you ask her where I may bathe?"  
He shook my hand again. Chuckling as he did so, he bowed out of the room. There was a large brass tub in one corner of the room, but I wasn't certain where to fetch water for it. I was relieved to hear Alec conversing with Bess just outside the door- she must have taken possession of the chair he'd used to maintain his watch through the night. A moment later, Bess entered, smiling.  
"I hear tell you are wantin' a bath. I shall draw one for you, lass. Your fancy man is off to find a room, he said."  
"Why do you look at me like you find that odd, Bess?"  
"Did you see the look on that man's face when he walked away from you? He looks ten years younger than when he entered! And happy, smiling, like the weight of the world itself had been lifted from his shoulders! Whatever you said, you seem to have healed what was ailing him. To be so transformed- I thought perhaps, if you'll forgive me saying, you'd arrived at an… arrangement."  
I laughed. "Certainly not! Well, actually, I guess we sort of did. But not that sort of arrangement. We had a good talk, that's all. Not the sort that leads to a man sharing a lady's quarters. I hate to sound impatient, but where do I find the water for my bath?"  
"Impatient, or just avoiding the questions of a nosy old woman? I'll send for water."  
And so, twenty minutes later, I was languishing in the bath, Bess washing my back and needling me to tell her what I had said to Alec in order to, as she put it, light a fire inside of him.  
Amused by her naked interest, I told her the gist of our conversation, She laughed with triumph.  
"Ah, takes a great lady to be able to pull back a man so haunted by his own demons! And it takes a great deal of love- on the part of one or the other, or both- who knows? But that man, he loves you, Tess."  
"I think I believe that. Strange, the way this day's gone. I'd have never thought that Alec D'Urberville could have done or said anything to win my forgiveness, but there it is."  
"No one can win forgiveness- it has to be freely given. It's not a question of someone ever earning it, it's a question of someone's heart being open enough to realize that the forgiveness was there all along, just biding its time to be born, like a birdling from an egg."  
"That was very well-stated, my Bess!"  
"I may not be educated, miss, but I am old, and it can sometimes count for the same thing. I'm just wondering if you might be thinking about opening up your heart and offering more than forgiveness to your fine Mr. Alec? Maybe you're thinking of giving him your love, besides…"  
"You ask me questions when I myself can't think of answers to them! I don't know! And that, dear Bess, is the truth. I've so much to think about and sort out- and, to be honest, I'm tired of it all. I just want to lay here in the water and not have to worry about my future."  
"You'll have to get out eventually, and now is as good a time as any. The water is chilling as we sit here, wagging our tongues. My, but you do look like a happy woman who's gotten nice and clean for the first time in a long time. Up and out, miss."  
She helped me dress and then brought me a comb for my hair as the bath was emptied. I noticed, at a certain point when the door to my room opened, that Alec was once more sitting in the same chair.  
"Alec, did come to bid me good night?"  
"Yes. And, there were no rooms to be had. Don't worry- I told you, I'm fine with just sitting here."  
"You are ridiculous! Come back into my room. The chair by the fire is rather comfortable, you can sleep there. And no arguing- I kind of like having you where I can keep an eye on you."  
"Will you be needing anything else, miss… and sir?" The glimmer in Bess's eyes led me to believe that she'd known Alec would not find rooms. She must have known that the rooms were all taken- I imagined she'd let him to looking for one in order to wheedle details from me. Oh well- talking with her had only helped me come to grips with all that had passed during the day.  
We assured her that we had all that we needed and she exited, giving me a bawdy wink on her way out the door. Alec crossed to the chair and turned it to face the fire, giving me privacy.  
"You look as if the bath agreed with you, Tess." At first I thought he was addressing the fire, but then I realized he was only taking pains to not look at me.  
I was settling down into the bed, but sighed happily. "Do you have any idea how long it's been since I had a good and proper bath? I feel like a new person- clean and reborn! I'd forgotten what it felt like to move about without a layer of dirt and grime covering me head to toe."  
"I thought you looked lovely, and if you were covered in grime, perhaps I just didn't notice. The only difference I can tell now is that the blush of your cheek is easier to see, your sapphire eyes sparkle more brightly, and the red glints in your hair shine forth a bit more."  
I laid my head on the pillow, pulled the blankets up to my chin, and felt a wave of tiredness begin to claim me.  
"Alec, you always had a touch of the blarney about you. I mistrust all such comments, but thank you for them just the same. If you turned around, you'd catch me blushing."  
"More like I'd catch the way the fire gleams off of your hair- wet, and dark, spread like feathers across the white pillowcase. Or how sweetly your face is framed, between the pillow and the blankets, your eyelids drooping, your dark lashes against your fair pink cheeks. Your sweet, peony lips smiling- comfortable and happy. You're clean, well-fed, and about to be well-rested as well. Perhaps you're also thinking that your kindness today has been as manna in the desert to a dying man, and feeling a humble sense of satisfaction. Also, you're smiling because tomorrow you will be traveling to see your family. Whatever has happened in the past, you're always happy to see 'Liza-Lu and the other little ones, make sure they're doing well. You also like seeing the only people on earth that you know will always be happy to see you and never require anything in return except for hugs and kisses from their favorite sister. If I had that anywhere, I'd be smiling like you are."  
"All that without turning around to look?"  
"I know you won't believe me, but I remember every word you've ever said to me, Tess. In a way, I know you quite well, because I've carried all of those memories with me, never let them far from my heart and mind. You've lived within me all these years, watching all I've said and done. You've been like my conscience- one I've ignored for the most part, but always your voice was in my ear.  
"Of course, now that we're to be friends, I get the privilege of getting to know you as you are now- something I greatly anticipate."  
I had nothing to say in return to such a declaration, so I answered with silence. I closed my eyes and willed a surrender to sleep, but it would not claim me. I waited for what felt like hours but was probably only minutes. I wondered if my state of wakefulness could be blamed on the strangeness of having a bed all to myself, but the spaciousness and room rather felt like a luxury that I was enjoying. After a few more minutes I found myself tentatively whispering Alec's name.  
"Yes?"  
"You're not asleep, are you, Alec?"  
"No, Tess. I am sitting and thinking, that is all. Did you need something?"  
"I know this sounds silly, and it is definitely childish, but I can't sleep. I'm used to being in a large room with other people making noise constantly, and I think I'm unsettled by the silence. This time of the night, Marian is usually in the phase of drunkenness which leads to singing. I like to pretend that she's singing me to sleep. I like it, actually. I wonder- that is, would you mind- could you sing me to sleep?"  
"Certainly. My voice is little to boast over, but if it would help you sleep, then I shall. Anything particular that you'd like to hear?"  
"No… anything…"  
He started quietly, his voice growing slightly more assured and therefore louder as he went-

Early one morning, just as the sun was rising  
I heard a young maid singing in the valley below.  
"O, don't deceive me, o never leave me  
"How could you use a poor maiden so?"  
"Here I now wander alone as I wonder  
Why did you leave me to sigh and complain?  
I ask of the roses, why should I be forsaken?  
Why must I here in sorrow remain?"

He sang a few more verses and then arrived at the end, drifting off into silence.  
"That was lovely, Alec. What song is that?"  
"Just a song."  
"I've never heard it before- it's very sad."  
He chuckled. "In your fever, you sang that song. You must've heard it at some point and just not noticed. Every time I hear it, I think of you. I found it odd and convicting, coming from your own lips the other night."  
"We shall have to think of a happier song for you to think of me upon hearing. That one will never do…" And that was the end my day, drifting off to sleep almost while still speaking that sentence.

Author's Note: Please feel free to review (gently)... either way, I'll keep going. And, really, the M part of the story is approaching. Promise.


	7. Remember The Vows You Made To Me Truly

I awoke the next morning sensing a combination of happiness and confusion. I lay for a moment, considering the reasons for both, and the details of the previous day slowly trickled into my consciousness. That's right- today was the day Alec and I were to venture to my home- he would see Sorrow's grave for the first time, and I would see my family once more.

I heard noises in a corner of the room and turned to them, expecting to see Alec. Instead, it was Bess, happily fussing over a breakfast setting. I wished her a good morning and she turned, startled.

"Oh, miss! Good morning to you, as well. Your man said I was to let you sleep as late as you wanted, but to make sure and have a meal ready at your awaking. Once you've finished your meal and preparations for the journey, he said, you'll set out. Provided he's returned."

"Did he say where he was gone?"

"Not a word about where, only that it won't be too long. Been gone about an hour, I suppose."

Where on earth could Alec have gone? I spent a moment wondering, less than that wondering if he'd return before dismissing the notion, then decided I might as well eat in the meantime. I ate and Bess busied herself with tidying the room, making the bed, and entertaining me with idle chit-chat.

I'd finished my food and was enjoying the opportunity to slowly stretch and wake up while lingering over a cup of coffee when there was a knock at the door. Bess answered and gave admittance to Alec, who came in bearing several parcels.

"Alec D'Urberville, what have you done now?" Some of my old frustration with him returned at the thought of him purchasing presents for me, and I had a suspicion that that is what these packages were.

"I haven't done a single thing which could be called untoward, I promise, Tess. I just thought you might like a new outfit- only one, modest yet well-made. Would you not prefer to show yourself your best when returning to your village?"

"What could it matter? The entire village has seen me from a young girl and also seen me working in the fields. Dressing as fine as anything now can't make a difference in their eyes- and I don't care. The group of small-minded idiots and sons of idiots. They can think whatever they like."

"True, yet not the plan. It would make me happy, and, eventually, you as well, to look nice for the sake of your family. They've probably not heard from you in a while, and seeing you looking fashionable and well cared for will do their hearts good. And it'll do mine good, as well. Just humor me enough to put the clothes on before you make up your mind about the matter."

As we had this discussion, Bess had been opening the boxes, and had laid bare their bounty, spreading things out upon the bedclothes. A fine, simply-cut skirt of a feminine yet somber shade of green, and matching shirtwaist, with a coat of a slightly darker color. There was a new petticoat- again, with a cut that was simple yet elegant, of slightly plain yet exquisitely woven fabric. He'd also purchased stockings, shoes, and a modest hat.

"An entire outfit, Alec? It is too much! I cannot accept it."

"Oh, stop being silly and try on the clothes. I'm off to settle the bill and see to the preparation of the fly. When I come back- just as a favor to me- put the clothes on once? Just once…"

The part of me that didn't want to accept so rich a present allowed itself to be voted down by the part of me that longed to feel such fine clothes against my skin- it was all so, so soft. I nodded and he cheered. I shooed him from the room and Bess helped me into my things.

"He certainly gauged you well, dear. The size and cut are perfect for your shape and height, and the color brings such a blush to your cheeks, a sparkle to your eyes. Why, it even make your hair prettier. For a man, he has very fine taste!"

I stood, trying to see as much of my reflection as I could in the small angled mirror sitting upon the bureau. Alec's plan had worked- having put on such a fine outfit, I wanted never to remove it again. I was in the process of pinning up my hair when he entered the room once more. I turned to him with a slight hesitation, uncertain that I could do justice to such lovely items.

He stopped speaking something and walked, slowly, to where I stood. He gazed at me intently- not the slow raking of eyes over my entire form that had been his wont in days past, instead focusing on my face, then letting his eyes wander up to the pile of chestnut hair upon my head. He then took my hands, holding them out, sweeping a quick glance up and down to take it all in.

"She doth teach the torches to burn bright," he intoned quietly. I gave him a quizzical look and he seemed to shake himself from a reverie. "By that, I mean that my new friend wears her new habiliment unreasonably well, does she not, Bess?"

"I don't know what that word means, but guessing that you mean that our Tess looks lovely in her new clothes. And I agree, sir."

Their combined praise and assessing looks caused me to blush and withdraw my hands from Alec.

"All is ready for our going, then?"

"Yes, of course. I came to say so, but was distracted. Are you ready, Tess?"

And so, a few minutes later, we were off, headed toward my old home. I had surprised myself by nearly crying during my farewell to Bess, having become very attached in the last day. She laughingly chided me as she pressed into my arms a bundle, containing the clothes I'd worn upon my arrival (promising me, of course, that they'd been well-laundered). She urged me off, saying only that I ought to write a letter sometime, letting her know of my fortunes.

We'd driven for perhaps a mile in silence when Alec decided to break it.

"Penny for your thoughts, Tess."

"Are you truly interested in whatever I have to say?"

"No- I'm interested in everything you have to say. We've a bit of a journey ahead. I could share some of my old fire and brimstone sermons with you, or you could save us both the hassle and explain your troubled expression."

So few people had ever expressed a desire to know what went on in my head, I found myself surprised into answering him honestly.

"Every time I've returned to my childhood home, it's been because of some sort of trouble. I've often thought of it like every leaving is my attempt to fly away, toward other things, hoping they would be better things. Every return to my home has felt like crashing back to earth, and then lingering only long enough to mend the bones I broke in my fall before starting out again.

"This time, I don't feel like I've broken anything- no bones, maybe a few illusions. And the thought of trying to fit back into that narrow bit of world where I grew up makes me feel awkward. Like trying on an old pair of shoes which I've outgrown. I worry how it will go."

"Ah- but you never before returned with an ally, did you? Someone at your side, ready to take on all comers and always have your interests at heart. That will make a difference, won't it?"

I smiled. "I hope so. Of course, it could just seem like you and I trying to force our feet into the same pair of old shoes at the same time."

"Then I'll happily break my feet in the attempt."

And so we rode over the freezing terrain, through the bitter January wind and cold. But, unlike my journey there, I had a companion who made the road easier. Alec and I talked about everything and nothing at the same time, and he seemed determined to make me laugh with his odd stories, a look of triumph breaking across his face at my every giggle.

We had only a mile left on the road when I espied a slight figure in a nearby field. Cloaked darkly, huddled against the cold, but I could still recognize the form.

"It's Liza-Lu, my sister. Stop the fly, Alec."

He did and I fled toward Liza, yelling her name as loudly as I could until she turned and began to advance toward me. When we finally met, she flung herself into my arms and we happily embraced- slightly out of breath from our running.

"Liza-Lu- what are you doing here?"

"Tess, I was afraid you won't know me, or that I might not recognize you! A year can be such a long time."

I hugged her more fiercely, protectively. "Silly girl! How could blood not know blood? You're my Liza and always will be. Let me take a look at you!"

I took her face between my hands- reaching up, as she was now taller than me.

"You've lost your baby fat- a child no more. Where were you headed?"

"Only to find you. Tess, you must come home."

"We were on our way there, but I had Alec stop so I could go to you. Come with us, you can explain the rest of errand as we ride."

I began to walk back to where Alec waited, but Liza grabbed my arm.

"Is that your husband? Is he come back?"

"No- it's Alec D'Urberville."

"You mean he's the one who… didn't marry you? What is he doing here?"

"To tell all would be a long story. The end of it is that he wanted to see his son's grave."

"How… unexpected."

Alec put out a hand to help my into the fly, and I helped Liza-Lu take a seat on the other side of me. Introductions were made- cordial and downright pleasant on Alec's side, aloof and mistrusting on Liza's. I wondered if she had learned caution as a result of my trials- if she was cool and distant with all men or just the one who'd been a source of so much trouble for her sister. I smiled and put an arm about her waist, just happy to be near her once more.

I asked why she'd gone off to find me, worried at what circumstance could have made her determined to find someone who had been so intent on not being found. Her answer was short and matter-of-fact.

"Father's dying."

I made a dismissive noise. "Let me guess- he told you that?"

"No. He hasn't talked of dying or the fat around his heart in over a week. He also hasn't touched a drop of liquor in three days."

A cold stillness began to creep up my insides. Nothing short of Death reaching toward him could have convinced my father to stop predicting the event. It made a certain sense if this was the one visitor Father wanted to greet with a clear head and open eyes.

"Alec," I put my hand on his arm. "Get us there quickly."

"How quickly?"

"Remember the day I threw off my hat to escape your driving?"

He nodded, then warned Liza and me to hold on before spurning the horses. I put my other arm around Alec's waist, careful to not knock into his arms. I tightened my grip on Liza and we blazed the last mile to home.

Before I could say anything, Alec and Liza both disembarked, she trying to pull me out of the seat by force, it seemed. He announced an intention of staying with the horses, saying he didn't want to interrupt an intimate family reunion. I found myself insisting- to my surprise as well as his- that he was family.

"Do you really mean that?"

Liza gave up trying to pull me away, stomped a foot, and headed indoors. Alec and I stood there, facing one another- his lips were smiling a grin that bordered on wicked, but his eyes looked darkly at me, belaying the gravity of what I'd said, what he'd asked.

I smiled into those blue eyes, trying to impress upon him how happy I was to have him near, that I wasn't regretting either bringing him to my home, or the invitation to be with my family at such a moment as this.

"I didn't know I meant it until I said it out loud, but it is true, Alec. Will you still not come inside with me?"

I reached out and took his hand. He raised my fingers to his lips, but then turned my hand so that when he bestowed a kiss, it was on my palm. I closed my eyes, allowing half a moment in which I let myself feel the whisper of his breath, the softness of his lips, and sudden realization that his kiss, when not foisted upon me against my wishes, could not only be pleasant, it could awaken a craving for more of the same. A fervent blush colored my cheeks and even my lips felt warmer as I opened my eyes.

But the moment passed- I shook my head to clear it, once more assuming the mantle and burden of being The Sensible One before heading to the house. Something in my face must have altered in response to my change in attitude, because Alec's rearranged itself into serious patterns as he, gently, let go of my hand.

"See to your family, Miss Tess. I will remain here, awaiting your call."


	8. How Tenderly You Nestled Close To Me

I entered the small, dark home that had been mine for so long. I blinked at the contrast between the late-afternoon sun outside and dimness within, and my youngest siblings took the opportunity to fling their elfin selves at my legs. I knelt to embrace them and bestow sisterly kisses which they returned.

"Tessy! Tessy- Daddy's dead! He's dead- come and see!"

Reeling slightly from their announcement, I allowed them to take my hands, pulling me to my feet and dragging me to the back corner. The darkness before me dispersed until I could see the bed with Father on it. Mother was kneeling beside, sobbing disconsolately. Liza stood next to her, patting her shoulder and saying, "There, there," all the while looking slightly annoyed by the whole business.

I knelt before Mother, attempting to give her a hug. She pushed me away and lamented even more loudly. She then launched into a stream of abuse which was leveled squarely at me- she chastised me for leaving, deserting a father who had only ever worked tirelessly as a servant to his family. She accused me of causing his death, breaking his heart time and time again by disgracing the family, marrying a so-called gentleman only to be abandoned, and then wandering away without sending word or a sixpence to the family or father to whom I'd always been a special favorite.

I closed my eyes and counted ten to avoid answering all of her statements. I reminded myself that she was now the only provider of a large brood, and would also, eventually, be cast from her home, forced to find a new dwelling place, to forge a whole new existence.

I knew what she thought- that I'd had chance after chance to find security for us all, and had sacrificed every one at an altar of pride. The fact that my "pride" tended to, actually, be self-respect was lost on my mother. Pride, pure and simple had stood between me securing Alec in the first place. Pride had insisted I tell Angel Clare about my past and driven him away. I would never convince her otherwise, and I knew she believed all she said.

"Liza-Lu, is there anything like a drink of liquor in the house?"

She looked at me like I was a simpleton. "Of course there is."

"Get Mother a nice, big drink. It will help calm her down."

Hearing my words, Mother grabbed my hands. She almost knocked me over as I was getting back to my feet.

"Oh, Tess- you understand! I knew you would. Always the smartest and kindest girl; that's why your father cherished you so!"

I tried not be disgusted by her sudden change of heart, and instead looked on as Liza handed her a glass which she gratefully drained. I took Liza aside and explained that I must go to the church to arrange for the funeral.

"Do you need me to go with you?" She looked hopeful at the thought of escape.

I shook my head. "No, Alec will go with me. His mother died last year, he'll know what all I need to get done. I need you to stay here and look after everyone. After she drinks her fill, you can set her in a corner somewhere and she'll be out of the way. I'm sure you can get the children to help you clean up until Alec and I come back."

I walked back into the ever-dimming evening light, which felt blinding, and had to shield my face. Squinting out from underneath my hand, I looked for Alec by the horses and he wasn't there. I paused, trying to think of where on earth he could have gone, when I realized I knew. I realized he must have followed the path worn from the gate of our house and off to the cemetery, but wondered if he'd have been able to find it on his own, as if led by a cord, as I had so often been.

He was about a hundred yards from the entrance to the cemetery, hanging back as if afraid to approach Sorrow's grave.

"Didn't seem right to visit without you. It might sound silly, but I was afraid he wouldn't want me here without you, someone he knows. I didn't want to frighten him away."

I took Alec's hand. And we crossed the path, the last little way to the sad little scrap of ground with its pathetic little homemade marker.

"It's not silly. But I don't think he'd be afraid of a friend. I don't think you'll scare him away."

He sank to his knees, touching the grass, furtively touching the small wooden cross. I could hear him begin to cry, and laid a hand upon his head to soothe him.

"Do you think, Tess, that if I wait here long enough, he might come talk with me? I want to see him, hear his little voice. I long to see his face, to see what a child of ours would look like."

I lowered myself to the ground beside him and took his head to my shoulder, brushing away his tears, ignoring my own.

"Why is your touch so nice and cool, Tess? It feels so hot here; do you feel it as well? It's like your skin is the only coolness or relief there is. Why does it feel as if, somehow, this grave is burning hot, singeing me? My eyes feel dry despite my tears…"

"It has always felt just so to me- I always assumed it was the shame of my disgrace, my anger at his death, mixing together and burning into a hot marker on this little space of ground."

"How can you stand it?"

"Why do you think I left home? There was a pause, neither of us feeling the need to speak, just thinking our thoughts.

"Will you touch my face again? Your hands really were so nice."

I smiled and stroked his cheek. He sighed and murmured, "Nurse Tess."

"Do you mind me waiting with you, Alec? I usually sing to him when I visit."

"What do you sing?"

"Whatever I think of. Usually that one, 'Amazing Grace.' Despite my personal disregard for God, that song always seems to bring solace to us, Sorrow and me."

And so we whiled away half of an hour, my hand on Alec's face, his head on my shoulder, and my voice weaving a benediction around as we awaited the child who was never to arrive.


	9. Gay Is The Garland, Fresh Are The Roses

I had been correct in telling Liza-Lu that Alec would be an invaluable help in the proceedings, having so recently buried his own mother. He knew better than I what was necessary, what required doing and deciding. He never took charge, or made a single decision for me, just quietly guided me, insuring the I had all the information I needed.

When he saw the chill treatment I received at the hands of the townsfolk, Alec bristled and quietly seethed. Time and again I saw him start, as if a laundry list of invectives were ready to pour from his mouth. Each time I saw this starting, I was able to head him off at the pass, but I failed once. And that was amusing if for nothing than an introduction to the coarse language he'd adopted since his conversion. Nothing was cursed or damned in a way that was usual- it all had a biblical tinge to it.

It was leveled against a girl my own age, working behind the counter of her father's store. I was attempting to order a suit for my father to be buried in, and she was frosty and lofty to an extreme degree. Alec looked at her face, smirking and haughty, and his anger boiled over.

"You addlepated daughter of Rahab! You, a simple-minded cur whose face eagerly shows the Curse of Lot's Daughters, presume to judge a woman whose only misdeed was being born so beautiful that her face burns with the same truth as the Ark of old?!"

I dragged him quickly and unceremoniously from the store, hoping that the girl would never put two and two together and realize that Alec had called her a whore and the result of incestuous inbreeding. Hopefully, she'd never get there on her own.

"Tess, how can you tolerate such treatment? I can't stand by and accept that such unworthy specimens treat you as their inferior!"

"I've already told you- it matters not! The important thing is arranging the funeral, setting everything in order. We aren't even positive whether we shall lose our house or not, and we still need to assure that all of my siblings… and my mother… are provided for. Those are the things that need doing, and they won't get done if you anger all the merchants in town. It's a small place with few enough business- get on the wrong side of one of these people, and you will not be able to deal with any of them!

"As it is, they are only willing to deal with me for two different reasons: respect for my parents, and a desire to see how low I have fallen. The first is a thin enough reason, and with my father gone I'll have a short while to utilize respect for the dead as a means of moving their hearts and minds in our direction. Soon enough, they'll forget any respect for how long he lived in this community, worked, and paid custom at their shops, they'll remember him only as a drunkard.

"As for the second part, I can endure worse things, and have. If keeping my head down and mutely accepting their condescension means that I can get things done more easily, then I will do it. Besides- if my family is allowed to keep their holdings, it won't help them if I've caused a further rift between them and everyone in town."

"Let's say that your family is allowed to keep the lease, they stay here like you said. You can't go back to that farm- will you stay here with them? Will you endure their disdain indefinitely? Will your pride permit such a thing? Or will it wear at your very soul, wearing you down into a bitter remnant of the Tess I love so well?"

There was time when this speech would have brought out what I used to think of as Steely Tess- someone a lot like me, but also not. She looked like me, right enough, only with a hardened gaze which stared ahead instead of at whomever addressed her. The steel would come out, starting at the eyes and then my voice, then pool in my heart, spreading to every inch of my being. My posture would become more upright and also hard, conveying to all and sundry the steadfast refusal to change whatever I was being told to change. Anything Steely Tess said or did seemed like me, but not quite. I would stand back, watching myself, wishing sometimes that she could be a little softer, but knowing that her birth was caused by the disapproval and chastisement of those she felt unworthy of the position.

Steely Tess would, in this situation, pull herself up to her fullest height, lock her gaze straight past Alec's head, and say, "I do not know, sir- but if that must be so, it will be so, and I cannot change it."

But so much of what made that version of Tess who she was had been purged and discarded, washed from my being even as the dirt from the farm was washed from the clothes I'd worn when I arrived at the inn. What was left had been melted into nothingness at Sorrow's grave, as if the mourning I'd done by Alec's side had cooled the burning forever, blanketing the site in a sort of peace. The sum total of both experiences was that I'd lost the desire to merely endure my existence, and I no longer felt the need to test my mettle by doing so.

I wrapped my arms around myself and looked up into Alec's face. As our eyes met, I stopped hiding the fear, worry, and sense of helplessness that were my constant companions these days. After that night with him, I'd felt an unreasonable sense of promise and hope, and my father's death had brought those old friends back until they seemed to fill my very physical being. Tears filled and burned my eyes as I allowed myself to say the most frightening thing of all, to give the most honest answer I could to the question he'd posed- "Alec, I don't know."

Without a pause, his arm was around my waist and he was guiding me down the street. He darted looks here and there, and finally walked the both of us away from the center of town, off the beaten path. We ended up in a place littered with dead grass a few sizeable stumps. I lowered myself onto one of them and he knelt before me.

"Talk to me, Tess. Tell me about it."

I found myself unwilling or unable to stop either the streams of tears or words as I gave voice to all that was keeping my stomach clinched into knots and not letting me sleep at night.

"My first concern is making sure that the little ones are all taken care of- but I am at loss as to how the achieve that end. I don't know how I'm going to so much as pay for Father's headstone- there's just no money. Back there, we were trying to get a suit for him, and I was standing there trying to work out how I was going to pay for that, too."

He cleared his throat, causing me to look at him and note his face as it took on a slightly guilty and almost shifty look.

"Alec- what did you do?"

"I have your money. The morning we came here, while you slept, I went and collected your wages from the farm. It was after that that I went and bought your new clothes."

"I don't understand- the terms of my agreement were that I needed to work the entire length of my contract to get paid for any part of it. I left before I was supposed to…" I looked at him with narrowed eyes, sudden visions of him horse-whipping the foreman into oblivion filling my mind. "How on earth did you accomplish such a thing?"

"I didn't steal it, and I visited no actual violence upon anyone's person to get it- since that's what you're worried about. I broke no laws of man or God, although I was not entirely pleasant to the concerned party. I went and demanded a meeting with Groby. Then I reminded him that, as his former employer, I was privy all kinds of deeds he'd done that, if the local constabulary discovered them, he might find himself bereft of liberty. I implied that I might speak with the constable if he did not turn over to me the money you'd rightfully earned."

"What had he done?"

"It's too unpleasant to dwell on, so I'd rather not say. It should be enough for your to know that he likes to do certain things that he shouldn't do. He… hurts people. I informed him that some of the people he'd hurt in the past would be more than willing to stand in a court of law and swear on what he'd committed against them. He didn't believe me until I named some of them. Then, well, he couldn't be helpful enough, fast enough. Gave me your wages not just for the time you'd worked, but as if you'd worked straight through to Lady Day. Then, at my suggestion, he also gave their pay to the two friends you mentioned- Marian and Izz."

I blinked at him. I gasped, I sputtered…

"So, you see, you do have some money. And, as for the headstone, I'd like to pay for that. It's traditional at such times for family to help family. Even though we aren't technically related, I'd still like to help. And, past that, I have an idea for you, and your family. I mentioned something to this effect back at the inn, and I'm bringing it up again because I mean it sincerely- you, and your family, are welcome at Tantridge. It's empty of most everyone since Mother died, and I've always been rather neglectful of the place. I'd like to accept my responsibilities to my land and the people there who depend on me, and I mean to make all efforts to do so.

"There hasn't been a foreman to speak of since Groby did a runner, and I'm certain your mother could handle the task. She and your siblings could live on the estate and work- not hard, not back-breaking labor, but knowing you, I guess that your family would want to feel like they were having a hand in earning their own way. They'd be helping me, and I could help them."

"What of me? Would I work there, too?"

"Actually, I had something else in mind for you. All those years ago, you mentioned a desire to be a school teacher. There is a school on my property, though it's been empty for some time. It wouldn't have many students- your siblings, the children of my workers- but they would depend on you. It has been empty for too long, and I owe it to my tenants to help ensure a better future for their children. What do you say?"

"Alec, it has been quite a long time since I was in school, I doubt that I know enough to teach anyone anything. It's a lovely thought, but I don't know if I could do it."

"Nonsense! You have a kind and caring nature, Tess, so you'd already be better than any teacher I ever had. And you remember our library- all those books, all that knowledge. If you come out just after your father's funeral, you can get settled and then have months before classes would start. You could spend that time in the library, refreshing your mind, catching up on what you think you'll need. I think you would be a perfect teacher."

Having an offer that wedded my personal desires and particular needs so perfectly was boggling. He was right, I had once cherished dreams of being a teacher; though the thought had lain asleep for many years. But just hearing him talk of it caused the dream to raise its head, blink in the sunlight and demand to be fed. I felt like I ought to have objections, there ought to be obstacles, questions raised, reasons why Alec's plan could never work- but I had trouble thinking of a single one. I could live with my family, see to their well-being, and we would all be free of worrying about our future and where the money would come from, one day to the next.

Despite what I would have thought at almost any point in the past if Alec D'urberville had made such an offer, I knew there was no ulterior motive now. His attitude toward his family enterprises back when I had first known him were lackadaisical at best, and I doubted much had changed that. I got the impression that, even following his mother's death and his conversion, he had focused attention on traveling the countryside as opposed to staying at home and seeing that all was right with his holdings. That he should now feel the weight of his responsibilities made sense.

"You don't have to answer now, Tess. You can think about it. I just wanted you to know that you have choices, you have options. I don't know if my offer is the most appealing, but I hope you know that I would like nothing better than to help you and your family, and to enable you all to take care of yourselves."

"I can't speak for my mother, past saying that we both thank you for your kindness. This is one of the most generous things anyone has ever said or done for me, or for us. I don't know how to respond, actually."

He took my hands in his and raised me to my feet. "You don't need to respond. Friends look after friends, right? I said I was your ally, and I meant it."

Impulsively, I wrapped my arms around his neck and laughed. He hesitated for a moment and then wended his arms about my waist. What started as a hug melted into an embrace as I held to him tighter, feeling our bodies mold together, relishing the security the sensation gave me. I turned my face slightly, and it was against his neck, the scent of his flesh sending sensations all through me. I looked at the place where I could just barely see his pulse pounding and, not sparing a thought for pause, pressed my lips against it.

Alec gasped, and held me even tighter, then suddenly released me. Startled, I raised my head, feeling dazed and slightly rejected.

"Is something wrong?"

He took a step back and shook his head. His whole body seemed tense, and he raised a hand to push it through his hair.

"Alec, did I do something wrong? I didn't mean to upset you, I just-"

"No, Tess! You just, that is, I just-" He stopped in the middle of whatever his thoughts were trying to say and groaned in frustration. I felt tears flood my eyes once more and a sense of shame crept up through me.

"I didn't mean to upset you. I didn't mean to, I'm sorry, Alec."

"No, it's not that it's. Oh, Tess. How to explain?" He stomped over to the stump I'd been sitting on before and sat down.

"Tess, you've always been the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Once upon a time, my desire for you drove me to hurt you, to violate you. And, all these years later… My desire for you has never lessened. You've forgiven me my past, like a saint, and offered me friendship. I love you all the more for that, and I try to be satisfied just being in your life again. I am, truly- and the thought that you might come and live near me fills me with wonder and happiness.

"I don't want you to think I'm doing or saying anything out of a desire to make you feel indebted, or to try to get you to feel… I know there's no hope of us being more than friends- of you answering my passion with your own. I don't expect or deserve that. So, I'm trying to ignore it, to act like it is not there, screaming in my blood every time you're near- like there aren't a million times a day when I have to all but run away to avoid taking you in my arms and claiming you any way I can.

"I'm sure that the kiss you just gave me was friendly in nature, that you meant nothing by it, but I can't handle it. I can't receive a kiss like that, not from you, without wanting more that I can never have- and never should."

It was my turn to kneel before him, and he refused to meet my eyes. I placed a hand to the side of his face and he looked at me, his eyes full of worry to the point of seeming tormented.

"Is that all?"

"All? Believe me, Tess, confessing to you that I don't know if I'm capable of just being your friend- that doesn't feel trivial, it doesn't feel like something small or unimportant."

"I didn't mean that it was. I was afraid you'd accuse me of, that it would seem to you like I was repaying kindness with a kiss, as if you thought I might think that in exchange for your offer you'd expect payment of a kind…"

"I would never think that of you, Tess! And I flatter myself that you wouldn't think that of me, though you'd be within your rights to do so."

"Alec…"

What could I say to him? How could I address his fears and concerns and make them disappear? How could I convince him that the thought of him withdrawing his friendship was like a dagger in my heart? We'd only been back in each others lives for a short time, but in those few days my mind had molded itself so closely to his presence, I loathed the thought of adjusting to his absence.

"I know what you're saying is true, I see it sometimes in your eyes, I can hear it in your voice when you talk to me. And I don't want to cause you any pain, or guilt. Being around you for the last few days has been wonderful- I've never felt with any other man the sense of peace that I've felt with you. With Angel I was always worried about what he was thinking, fearing that his love would vanish into the mist if I said or did the wrong thing. But with you, I know that you love me, truly, and don't judge me. That means more to me than I'll ever be able to put into words.

"But in addition to all of the love and affection that's been growing in my heart, there are other things, too. Do you not see it on my face? I feel it in my eyes as they follow you, I've thought before that you must've felt my thoughts. Trust me when I say that I feel the urge to- oh, saying this doesn't feel ladylike, but I have to tell you. I find myself wanting to kiss you, to hold you, to be held by you. I look at your hands and wonder how it would feel if they were touching me, I wonder what your lips taste like."

I brushed fingers against his lips as I said this, allowing myself a brief thought as to what it would feel like if the softness there was pressing against my neck. I opened my eyes to find that he'd been watching me closely, his eyes wide in reaction to both my words and what must have been a look of naked desire on my face.

"But right now, my duty is to my family. There is so much to be done and seen to, I can't spare a thought for myself- and I'm so worried about them all the time, thoughts for myself wouldn't have room in my brain, anyway. So, I've been acting like this attraction doesn't exist. Not because it doesn't, but because I can't sort out all of my family's affairs and mine at the same time. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's how I have to treat things if anything is to make sense to me.

"It doesn't feel fair to ask you to wait- not when you've done so much for us, not when I don't even know what I'm asking you to wait for… but I have to. I can only say that, once I'm settled at Tantridge, I ought to sorted some of this out for myself."

"So, you'll come?"

"Yes, I will come, Alec D'urberville, and live with you. As for whether I will be your love… time will tell."


	10. Culled From The Garden

_Author's Note: For everyone who has read and especially those who've reviewed, my most heartfelt thanks. In the (overly long) gap since I last posted, your comments have helped remind me why I bother. I appreciate all of you, and I hope you keep enjoying what I'm doing here..._

_Disclaimer: I don't own rights to any works of Thomas Hardy, and don't want to upset anyone by, well, restructuring and drastically changing his great work. Please don't sue me, either way- I just bought a house and all of my money is being eaten by faulty plumbing.  
_

Could it only have been a week that passed between that conversation and the day that we stood at my father's grave for the funeral? It seemed to me that in that week the entire world had altered irrevocably. As if I awoke everyday to a world that had shifted as I slept, but I kept moving through the changing landscape as I always did, somehow apart from all of it- hope of escape filling me, lighting my path.

Every jibe, every stare, every disdainful remark only barely concealed as conveyance of regret for Father's death that came from the townsfolk did serve a purpose; they all reinforced my conviction that leaving this ghastly place once and for all was the only option. Instead of feeling a sense of nostalgia or sadness at leaving forever a place that I had always called home, I began to feel an urgency which culminated in the fact that I had to force myself to stay in place long enough to even attend the funeral.

Mother had decided to wait out the terms of the lease, would follow to Trantridge on Lady Day, when relocations were so plentiful as to be barely noticed. I think she pretended to herself that, by doing so, she could allay gossip that she was leaving because the lease would not be renewed, and that because the town desperately wanted the whole lot of us gone. Never mind that the ones who would be doing the gossiping were the ones ensuring that the family had to leave- it was a logical thought and, as such, had little to do within the confines of my mother's mind.

All of my belongings- not that there were many- were packed into a wagon, and Alec and I were to abscond once the dirt was returned to the earth, covering over the wasted remains of the late Jack Durbeyfield. At the suggestion of one of the vicars, the tombstone was inscribed with a phrase- "How are the mighty fallen." It seemed bitter and condescending, but fit in well with the general attitude toward my father, so it raised few eyebrows.

Securely tucked into the wagon was a bag featuring mostly linens. But swaddled in the linens was a jar which contained a clipping from the rosemary bush that I'd planted years before on Sorrow's grave. I would plant the clipping in the garden of Trantridge, and so our son could always be somewhere safe, somewhere peopled by family and at least one person who loved him. Whether I stayed there or moved anywhere else, I knew that Sorrow would be honored by Alec. That was the only way I could bear to leave his grave with no one to tend it, no one to remember him with the love and tenderness he deserved.

We bid farewell to my family, the children crying and clinging to both of us despite knowing they were to follow along before much time had passed. But a month or two is an eternity to the young, and they grieved as though we'd never meet again in this life. Liza kissed my cheek, but wouldn't allow the tears in her eyes to show in her voice as she wished me safe journey. She shook Alec's hand and wished him the same, but gave a look which seemed to indicate that if harm befell her sister, vengeance would be hers.

Alec was wise enough to not laugh or make light of her mistrust, instead he thanked her for entrusting him with my safety, and promised to protect and respect me during our separation from the rest of them.

Finally, we lit out, down the road, over away and beyond into the future.

"Alec, feel free to drive as insanely as you desire- I've a distinct wish to distance myself from that place as quickly as possible."

He laughed. "I was going to say that my impulse was to drive slowly as possible, to draw out my time with you, but then I remembered that we're both going to the same place. I think I am afraid to believe you're really coming. I half expect you to change your mind, ask me to let you out somewhere else, and wander out of my life again."

"Don't be silly. Although, if I wanted to punish you, sending my mother to your house and leaving you alone with her might do the job. No- there, I shouldn't say such things. She's had a difficult life and a trying time; taking care of all of us and father could not have been easy. Perhaps, once she settles in to this new part of her life she'll be more herself."

"I think so. I don't know the woman at all, and I'm certain she's earned your distaste for her, but she always struck me as a woman doing the best she could with what life's given her."

"Well, these days she strikes me as a woman convinced that I am literally whoring myself out to a wealthy benefactor- and it's a plan she endorses most heartily."

Alec's expression betrayed a confusion- was he more horrified or amused by this misconception?

"She truly believes that? That you're coming out to be my kept woman? And she is accepting of the notion?"

"Oh, entirely- she congratulated me for finally doing something right. I tried explaining that nothing of the sort is going on, but she insisted on believing I was simply being demure, which she said was a mark of being well-bred, of the d'Urberville blood showing through."

Now Alec did laugh, and most heartily. "You don't seem too upset about it."

"My mother is my mother. If I were surprised, I might be offended or something of the sort; as it is, I simply content myself with knowing the truth and letting her believe whatever version of the truth she dreams up for herself. At this point her silly ideas can't hurt me much, so I'm not bothered by them."

Returning to Trantridge felt strange yet familiar. I was entering the house on very different terms from how I'd first arrived, but still felt the old sensation of awe and intimidation at its size and grandeur. But Alec's easy manner put me at ease and helped me keep a sense of perspective- I was no longer a servant of anyone, and was instead somewhere between guest and mistress of the house. The latter was an insistence of his, but I kept shrugging it off- referring to me as mistress of Trantridge implied something which did not exist between Alec and myself. Despite plans to stay indefinitely, thinking of myself as a guest seemed the easiest terms.

It had been decided by both of us, but mostly me, that I would be living in the main house with Alec while Mother and the younger children stayed in the caretaker's house. I insisted that, once she arrived, Liza-Lu should be the one to decide which location suited her the best. When I was her age, every decision affecting me had never involved me, and I wanted better for my lovely sister.

I wandered from room to room in an effort to see which was mine. I had a sense that, when I stepped into the right room it would cry out- 'Me, me! Pick me!' Amid all the elegance in room after room, only one seemed the sort of place I could imagine spending my nights. The decorations and furnishings were all like the clothes Alec had bought for me- lovely, well-made, serviceable, comfortable, but not flash or garish. Of course, as luck would have it, I selected the room next to his.

We decided to take dinner in my room- aside from being too tired to dress for a proper meal and being filthy from the drive, in a short time I'd grown a deep affection for the palette of greens that decorated the place, and wanted to spend more time basking in their soothing coolness.

After eating, I wandered to the bed and plopped down onto it, my head at its foot. I propped my chin in my hands and smiled at Alec, who bore that pensive look which meant he wanted to ask me about something, but didn't want to bother or upset me.

"Go ahead- whatever it is, Alec, just say it." I smiled to offset the commanding tone, and he sighed.

"It's none of my business, I know, but I wanted to ask you something." I gestured for him to continue and he did, hesitantly. "Have you thought about possibly sending word to the Clares? Letting them know where you are, just in case…"

"Just in case Angel ever comes back, just in case he wonders where I am, just in case he wants to track me down?"

"Well, I was also thinking that if they were to receive notice that something had, God forbid, happened to him overseas, it might simplify matters if they could reach you. For all you know, one or the other has happened- his return or his demise- and they aren't sure where to find you to tell you. Surely you would want to know."

I sighed heavily. "It's not a bad idea. And you are right- he might have done either and I would likely not be told. If it's his parents doing the looking, I doubt they'd bother to look too far. I never met them, but-"

"Tess, I told you- I think they were more curious about you than disapproving, and would have been readily charmed by you. They can be stern, but they are good people- unlike his brothers, bloody hypocrites."

"At any rate, I don't know if I want to know what happened to him. Plenty of people get married and when it doesn't work, they go their separate ways and pretend like the marriage never happened; or, they act like a divorce happened, even if it didn't. My marriage was practically stillborn, almost never happened, and I never even used his name. It's already less and less like something that occurred, so pretending it never did wouldn't be too difficult."

"But if you ever wanted to marry again, you wouldn't be free to do so unless something official happened. Something legal, saying the marriage ended or that it never happened, or that he died."

"Why ever would I desire to marry a second time? Even if I were to be so inclined- if I loved someone, really loved someone and wanted to spend my life with them, I think I would be content to be their wife in spirit and in truth, if not in name. Doing it all officially and legally, having a minister say some words in front of our friends, swearing our undying love and devotion to each other- that didn't result in anything that ever seemed truly binding in a way that kept my husband by my side the first time around. Who's to say that if I did it again, I wouldn't get left behind a second time?

"I like to think that there are things that can bind people together in a way that is more real than sworn testimony and signed documents. I like to think that it's possible I'll love someone so much, and they'll love me so much that our very souls can become as one. That we'll love each other in a way that is more real and true than anything I've known so far, and that the love is stronger and better because we will know that, in choosing to love each other, we're choosing to stick it out, to never leave one another, to always be together and to mean it when we say 'for better or worse.' I think love isn't worthy of the word unless it implies a commitment as well as a passion- and I'll settle for nothing less.

"I'm sorry- does that shock your Christian soul? Or just sound like a silly schoolgirl wish?"

He was looking at me with the oddest expression, one I could not decipher. At my queries he shook his head and smiled. "Neither actually. Perhaps I've still enough of the degenerate in me to think you make perfect sense. And as for whether it's a schoolgirl dream, I'd say not. I think a love like the one you describe is the desire of everyone. Perhaps most wouldn't say it out loud, but you've never been most people Tess, and that's why I treasure you so."

He rose and leaned over me on the bed. He lowered himself so that his face was just next to mine, and kissed me on the forehead.

"I shall leave you in peace now. Unpack your things, change your clothes, what have you. You have free reign over the house, go wherever you like. I shall simply go to my room, but if you need anything, either ring for Maisie or come to me. Goodnight, sweet Tess."


	11. To Place Upon Thy Brow

I had worried that setting up house with Alec might feel strange, but within days we had reached a level of comfort and ease as if we had always lived thus. I would wake before him and break my fast while sitting in the library, reading every volume I could get. I worried the servants would find me eccentric for doing this, but they kept their thoughts to themselves. Maisie, my maid, was new enough at her work that she never thought anything strange if I did it. She insisted that I was a lady and accepted all my actions as those of a proper woman, no matter what they entailed. I tried to correct her, but she would just smile a slightly absent grin and curtsey again.

My reading was voracious, as if I had a limited time there, and not the entire foreseeable future. I devoured tome after tome, finding that my appetite was never sated, only fed with each new idea introduced. I did not begin to feel more equipped for teaching others, and I did not even feel like I was absorbing anything, but I went ahead nonetheless.

Alec would wake at noon and wander into the library. He'd pick the leavings of my breakfast and drink his own coffee, then, at my insistence, quiz me over whatever I'd read that morning. He seemed amused and slightly bored over these exercises, telling me time and time again that they were unnecessary, but still he'd go along with it. For someone who spent so much of his life being a dissolute reprobate, he remembered everything he'd ever read or been taught, and made an excellent tutor.

Eventually, he would coerce me into going outside with him, and as we walked he'd help correct my pronunciation of the French I was reading and learning. Books are all well and good, but when attempting to grasp a new tongue, it is useful to hear it from another's mouth.

After these walks, we'd return to the house and take tea while warming ourselves at the fireside of the library. Again, I think the servants might have found it odd that we spent so much time there, when we had such a large and beautiful home we could fill. But the library was so cozy, inviting, and comfortable that I seldom felt like venturing elsewhere.

"It's little wonder that the French lead such lives of what we English think scandalous behavior."

"The French have not cornered the market on scandalous behavior. I know quite a few Englishmen that would put any Frenchman to shame… But supposing I agree with that, what do mean by it being little wonder that they should?"

"Well, the language is so-" I had been about to say arousing. Pausing briefly, I arrived at a better word. "- sensual. Every word seems so delicate, the pronunciation making one's tongue work so differently than English. You have to think about it and let it fall from your lips in just such a certain way…"

I hadn't meant to say any of this out loud. I had never meant to explain to Alec that I did, in fact, find it arousing when he spoke this new language to me. How could I allude to the fact that, in French, something as simple as him reciting the numbers one through twenty caused my heart to race and breathing to change? That thought was supposed to stay locked inside of my head, my heart, and the deep place just below my belly that seemed to awaken at his every word. Yet here I was, dangerously near telling him everything…

"I don't know that I agree with you, Tess- language is rendered beautiful or seductive or what have you by the way in which it is spoken. Any language can be lovely or vile, depending upon who is doing the speaking. But I know many people, women especially, who agree with you about French. Long as you enjoy learning it, that's the important thing."

"Do you know any French poetry, Alec? Recite something for me."

He paused to think for a moment, and then, with a slight chuckle, began to speak.

"_Quand le front de l'enfant, plein de rouges tourmentes, Implore l'essaim blanc des rêves indistincts, Il vient près de son lit deux grandes soeurs charmantes Avec de frêles doigts aux ongles argentins_…"

I closed my eyes and lay back my head, breathing out with deliberation, as if making room for Alec's words and voice to fill my very body. And they did; they wove a web, a spell, a languid glamour. I surrendered and felt as I were dissolving.

When the words ceased, when the poem ended, the spell lifted and I came back to myself. It was like waking from a dream, returning to my body, and I had to blink against even the gentle firelight warming the room.

I realized I'd been worrying my bottom lip between my thumb and forefinger. I released it and felt the blood rushing through, just beneath the skin, felt it swell ever so slightly.

I turned to took at Alec, to ask what the poem was about, and caught him staring at my mouth. I felt his gaze as if it carried an actual weight, and looking at his face closely, it seemed that the weight was comprised of desire. The weight hit me, landed on me and about me, and I read it. I knew that the sight of my lips, flushed and full as if in response to a kiss and not my own absent touch filled him with an almost insurmountable need. He wanted, he needed to kiss me, to press me, to taste the fullness of my lips and measure them against his own.

I had a moment of imagining, of seeing and feeling what would happen if he were to kiss me. His cool lips would seal over mine, stealing and quenching their heat even as his warm tongue would delve into the melting cavern of my mouth. For an instant I felt his tongue touching mine- I could only respond by gasping aloud.

The sound served to, once more, wake me, stir me, cause me to close my mind's eye from looking at ephemeral dreams. My eyes of flesh opened again (had I closed them?) and burned into Alec's. His eyes conveyed astonishment, and I realized that the intangible impression which had just visited my mind, clouding and enthralling my senses for the briefest moment, had been shared by him.

Had he merely read my thoughts in my face? Did he notice my eyelids suddenly seem heavy, the eyes behind them widen and darken at the same time? Was it a catching of my breath, a raggedness once I remembered to finally exhale; the blush on cheek and still on my lips? Or had it been his own thought, one that I had stolen a glimpse of?

It was said that those of d'Urberville blood could, before they died, see a phantom carriage- one hidden from the eyes of all others, but one whose macabre indication always came true. Perhaps the vision of the death-heralding coach was not the only thing those of my blood could see before it passed.

Either way, in that moment, everything I'd ever felt for or about Alec d'Urberville crystallized. All of the feelings he'd always stirred in me- the desire, the curiosity, and a thousand other things for which I had no words- were seared in the crucible of a single flash of insight, and the remains were left, screaming, singing, dancing their existence through every part of me. It was part and parcel to an idea both foreign, new, and innately part of my very soul: I was completely, voraciously, rapturously in love with Alec.

It was not the giddy headrush I'd felt with Angel, a childish fancy fostered by the milkmaids and my own flattered vanity. Any lingering doubts, thoughts that perhaps my love for Angel had been real were shattered by the bone-deep Truth of my relationship with Alec. This love was It was just contained in my feelings for him, it was everything else as well- the love he felt for me, the sense of peace I'd only known since he'd come back to my life, the knowledge of us being bound together, whether we willed it or not.

I saw it all- the fate that never let either of completely abandon the other, the peace and elation of accepting and reveling in the freedom to choose something, despite its inevitability; the comfort of choosing to listen to everything in my mind, the cry of my heart, the song of my very blood as it poured through my body- the song whose only word was Yes.

_Author's Note: Once more, I can't say how deeply I appreciate any and all of you who have bothered with keeping up with this, particularly those of you who've reviewed and let me know that you like it. You're all lovely and I owe you all a round of drinks (coffee, cosmopolitans, your call)... And, for anyone who's curious, the poem Alec recites at Tess's urging, the first stanza of which is here, is called _Les chercheuses de poux _and it's by Rimbaud. It's a wee bit anachronistic to include here, but only a bit and I couldn't resist. It's such a good proof of Tess's point that everything is sexy if it's in French... _


	12. I'll Love You The Best Way I Know How

In the silent space that followed, I rose to my feet, approaching Alec. I could feel the last few months, the last few years weaving around me, weighing upon me, pressing against my skin, breathing in the air I took into my lungs. They were all just practice, just readying me, laying the path which ended me kneeling at Alec's feet as he perched on his chair.

My kneeling there should have felt subservient, but instead was more like an offering, a sacrifice. A gift of… Myself. My body, my mind, my soul, everything in me and of me was already his- slice open my heart and his name would be written across it. But now was time for the giving, the pact, the expression of all that I ever was and ever would be, and all of it his, in the same way I knew he belonged to me.

How to say it, though? How to explain to him the love that was a part of me, that had always been there, I just hadn't recognized it for what it was? How to express that this was no fleeting impulse, something that would dissolve in the light of day?

I could not think of the right words, would never be able to think of them. Everything I was thinking was so big, so true, so pure, I could feel it filling me up, crowding out even my doubts and falterings.

When I reached out to touch Alec's cheek, I thought power and love would have to come pouring out from my flesh in a burst of light. But it didn't.

Instead, I just felt him- the rough warmth of his cheek, all stubbly and needing shaving. I smoothed the hair from his eyes, brushing fingers across his brow, then reached with my other hand until I was holding his face between my hands, as if he were a cup from which I was preparing to drink.

Before he could protest, before he could hesitate, before he could even draw a breath, I leaned forward. And then the thing was done- I finally closed the distance before us and knew the joy of Alec's kiss.

I felt him freeze, too startled to even reciprocate at first. He made as if to pull away, but I would give him no quarter. I held fast with my hands, and faster with my lips, moving against his until they parted to mine, letting loose the softest of sighs.

I moved a hand from his face to his hair, anchoring it gently there amidst the softness and warmth, holding him ever more securely. Holding him still even as I pressed ever forward, deepening the kiss, drawing more and more pleasure from him until I grew dizzy, light-headed, and could only seek all the more eagerly the further pleasures which must lay other the other side of our entanglement.

He moved a hand to my face, a timid and gentle finger, gingerly tracing my cheek and then jaw before trailing down to my neck.

A noise I had never meant to make escaped from me- a hungry, nearly begging sound which would have shamed me had it not been returned in full by Alec.

I leaned forward even more, separating his knees with my body, pressing as close to him as I could. He moved forward, just barely remaining on his chair. His hand stopped the torturously sweet caressing of my throat and he wound an arm about me. He braced me against him, securing me in so strong a way as to cause a sort of delirium to spring up within me, making me long to press every bit of my body to his, to join with and consume his very flesh. The strength of that urge, that need, that craving was of an intensity that nearly choked me.

In a sudden and surprising movement, Alec got to his feet, still holding me against him, lifting me to a standing position. It surprised me into breaking the kiss, leaving me feeling bereft at even the tiny space now separating us.

He let go of me but took my face in his hands, peering deeply into my eyes as if to discern my thoughts, the ones I had thought must be emblazoned across my face, lighting up every feature. He reached and pushed my hair from my face, and broke the silence by speaking my name, conveying such yearning in that one word that my heart nearly broke.

"Tess, my darling Tess- I don't mean to stop this, it's everything I wanted from the moment I first clapped eyes on you. But before we reach a point of no return I need to know. I need to know if this is some strange whim- a weird fancy, borne of just an instant, something that to speak of it afterwards would fall to ash in your mouth.

"Is there somehow a way that it's possible…" His voice broke- the intensity of his thoughts breaking the words in his throat, crowding out his ability to find the words of his truest desires, and the pain he felt at the possibility of all I was about to offer, his inability to believe any of it could be true. He drew a breath, calming himself, and I could almost hear him forcing his thoughts and feelings into a semblance of order.

"I could never bear it if I were to once more be an instrument of your regret. Much as it pains me, I must tell you that this will only continue if you promise me it's what you truly desire, that it's not something you'll curse yourself for having done, once the light of day breaks."

It was my turn to take his face in my hands once more. I pulled him toward me, moving to the side slightly, kissing his left temple, imagined I could feel his blood pulsing beneath the skin, responding to my touch.

"Doubt that the stars are fire…" I moved and kissed his other temple. "Doubt that the sun doth move…" I kissed his forehead. "Doubt truth to be a liar…" I kissed his neck, just beneath his left ear. "But never doubt I love." I kissed the ride side of his neck, just beneath the ear.

And then I looked at him dead-on, in the eye, knowing that my love was filling me so utterly that he- if no one else, he- would read it in my eyes, my smile, written across my every gesture, a whisper in every breath- but the words could no longer be contained within me.

"Alec, I see now- I see everything! All at once, I realized that more than loving you like a friend, I love you… I hardly know how to say everything I'm thinking, all the truths that I suddenly understand. It's as if I've been loving you so much- it's like a mountain and I was standing at the foot, unable to comprehend the whole thing.

"But I do now, Alec- I love you. I love you in a way that is so true and irreversible. It's the purest thing I've ever felt, the way my heart has knit into a new shape, and that shape is your face, your voice, the touch of your hand.

"So, yes- this is what I want. This is what I need. This is what I choose. All of my fortunes at your feet I lay- to go with you, my lord, throughout the world."

A moment passed as he found his voice. "My Tess has been reading Shakespeare, and marking it well. I like that you feel at liberty to change his words. And you're right, I've no wish for you to follow me anyway. But to have you with me- hand in hand, eye to eye… lip to lip."

Here he smiled, even as his lips closed over mine, which smiled in return.

****

Sometime later- only an hour, but one of those hours which felt both longer and shorter, filled with declarations and assertions and pleasantries of a kind which are never sufficient to explain or encompass thoughts and so only whet the appetite for more, more, ever more- I sat alone in my room.

I was in my nightdress, a simple garment of palest blue satin, and was brushing my hair. A simple task drawn out by pausing to remember every word exchanged between Alec and myself, each memory becoming stronger, clearer, and sharper as I considered. Every moment that passed allowing me to understand and accept the fact that the only man I loved- ever had or ever would love- loved me back. My love was returned, matched, met, and wildly, gratefully accepted! Had anything more satisfactory ever happened to anyone, anywhere? Could Jesus' miracles of loaves and fishes or raising the dead compare to the wonder of the love Alec and I bore one another?

The longer I thought, the fact that Alec was separated from me by a mere wall went from amusing to frustrating. I attempted to lay in my own bed, but where it had felt luxuriantly large and accommodating every night previous, the solitude of my singular form in its silken wasteland now mocked me.

I could hear Alec, as usual, but the sounds seemed to tell of a man pacing about his room, not settling into bed and surrendering to sleep. He walked about, opened books and set them down. Judging my the vague scent of smoke, I guessed he was smoking cigarette after cigarette. I heard him pour a drink and he must have downed it in one gulp, because almost the next moment I heard him place the glass upon his table and not move it again.

I finally could no longer accept the ache of his absence, and decisively left my room. Not giving myself a chance to change my mind about my course of action, I was almost instantly knocking on his door with what could only be called insistence.

I was so self-conscious that I spared only the briefest glance for Alec when he opened the door. I noted him sputter slightly, most likely taken aback when I offered no word of greeting or explanation, just pushed my way through the door. I kept my gaze shifted downward, but I could feel his eyes upon me as I crossed to the bed, pulled back the heavy black blanket and blue sheets, then climbed inside. I spent half a minute arranging myself, sitting up, my back to an elaborate ebony headboard, blankets tucked back in around me. I did not speak or look into his face until this was complete, and then I offered only a sentence- defiant, stern, unshakeable: "I am sleeping here tonight."

I had not considered, until that moment, the possibility that Alec would be wearing not a single stitch of clothing.


	13. Help You Dress Yourself Up Fancy

_Author's Note: So, here we are in territory far away from Mr. Hardy. He didn't exactly go in much for, shall we say, the earthier details of Tess's adventures. Let's assume this is because he was a respectable gentlemen and commend him for it. On the other hand, if anyone is due for a an enjoyment of earthier pleasures, it's our Tess. She's walked a long, hard road and she deserves some giggles. So, here is the beginning of Tess's giggles. The reason this story is rated M for Mature? This chapter and the next. If you'd either prefer to keep to Mr. Hardy's elusiveness regarding the matter, or if descriptions of physical intimacies make you squeamish, skip chapters 13 and 14 and go on to the end. If you agree with me that certain things need addressing, then I hope these chapters are, um, sufficient._

My jaw dropped, my eyes shut themselves fast, and I covered my face with my hands- not that Alec's nakedness was at all displeasing, I just suddenly felt humiliation for my brazen entrance, shamed at how little thought I'd actually put into my little plan.

"Tess, I-"

"No, please don't speak to me, Alec! I am the silliest, rudest thing ever, and I'm so sorry. I didn't think- I just wanted to be wherever you were and now I just feel like a fool. Which I am."

I heard rustling noises, but could not stop covering my face with my hands, my face burning beneath my fingers which had suddenly gone cold. I could hear and feel him approaching me, and I began to curl up against the headboard, making myself as small as possible, pulling my knees to my chest.

"Tess! Stop wriggling about or you'll hit your head! This is already entirely too much like some silly French play for my liking, we don't need you contracting a head injury into the bargain. It's all right- I put on a robe, you can move your hands."

I shook my head, feeling more absurd with every passing moment, reminding myself of a child who is convinced that if they can't see anyone, no one can see them. I felt the bed shift as Alec sat upon it, and his hands closed over my wrists.

"Tess, please- I can't talk to you unless you look at me."

I allowed him to lower my hands, but kept my head down.

"Tess, I promise, your being here is more than welcome- it was just unexpected. And how were you to know that I sleep in the altogether? Most men would be wearing clothing of some sort, you weren't to know. Could have happened to anyone."

"I feel stupid…"

"We've established both that that is your impression and that I insist you are not. Let us discuss something new- you want to sleep here tonight? Is there something wrong with your room?"

I shook my head.

"Nothing wrong with your room, then. You didn't see a mouse or a rat or an intimidating shadow, no long-dead relatives paying visits or anything that might frighten a young lady from her bed?"

I suddenly raised my head- "No, but should I? Is this place haunted?"

He smirked. "Not usually. But what ghost wouldn't want to haunt my Tess? I am alive and I long to haunt your every step and movement. Seems only sensible."

I chuckled and shook my head.

"You say the strangest things sometimes, Alec."

"Aha- so, we've established that, of the two of us, I am the more preposterous. No more talk of you being anything of the sort! Still, I ask- what brought you here?"

I started to lower my head again, but he took my chin, gently insisting that I keep looking into his face.

"I couldn't think of a reason to stay there, when you're here."

He pulled me to him, and I happily laid my head against his shoulder as his arms went around my shoulders, holding me to him. He kissed the top of my head and sighed.

"My Tess, whatever shall I do with you?"

"Anything you want…" I said it in a small voice, and it was one those thoughts you don't realize are true until they are said aloud.

Alec went very still, and the air seemed to be holding its breath- the sensation in the room had changed at my words. I had inadvertently set my skin aflame, a strange and heavy feeling began to snarl within my stomach, and my muscles all but twitched with something akin to anticipation; I had to remember to draw breath.

"Tess, we are venturing into uncharted waters, and they could be dangerous. I hate to keep asking you to clarify things as if you don't know your own mind, but I need to know that you know what all you're saying, what it makes me think. And how terrified I am that I will misunderstand you in some way, and that I'll lose the little control I have."

He drew back from me, moving his head to peer at my face. I returned his gaze, a dim shadow of my earlier defiance and certainty returning, causing me to raise my head.

"Do you know what you're saying, Tess? Do you know how I might hear it? I don't want to seem coarse for being direct, but I must be. Do you mean that you want to sleep in my bed, or do you want to share my bed with me?" I began to nod, and he continued. "And by sharing a bed, do you desire to merely sleep, or do you… I need you to tell me exactly what it is you want, so that I will not do anything else, and will not think you mean anything else."

Words, words- always the words, trying to find them, trying to use them, seeking to ensure that they meant what I thought they did.

"I hardly know- that is, Alec…" I looked down at the blanket, as if the answers were there, knowing they weren't, but not feeling able to meet his gaze while I said the next part. "I don't know exactly. I know that I want your arms around me, I want more kissing, and touching. I feel like there are more things past that, but I don't know what they are. Will you teach me?"

I forced my eyes to look into his face, and had to do so through a wave of fear. I'd never felt so much as if I were laying everything on line, everything I could possibly lose, handing it all over to another person and asking them to accept all of it. Had it been anyone I loved any less, I would surely have never done so, but even with one I trusted and loved as much as Alec, there was still some sort of uncertainty.

His eyes held mine, his breathing was uneven, and his eyes were deepening pools of desire and something like trepidation.

"I can think of nothing in heaven, on earth, or hell below that I have longed for more than those words."

My fear rushed out in a sigh, and I once more let myself trust in Alec, in our love, and in how right and good everything was so far as the two of us were concerned. It was the last moment of any doubt, and I bid it farewell without a backward glance.

Alec's next few sentences were punctuated by frequent pauses as he grasped for the right words. "There are many things a man and woman might do together- carnal things, beautiful things, things which can bring both untold pleasures. If you want them, I will teach, I will show. But I will not do anything you don't want to do. If I do anything that makes you uncomfortable, or if it is too much will you promise to stop me?"

"If it is something you do, how could I not like it? My worry is that you will find me insufficient. I want to give you the pleasure you speak of, but I don't know anything-"

He put a hand to my lips and stopped my words. Did the hand tremble as he did so? Did I only imagine that what was said next bore such weight and truth that the words caused the slightest tremor in his voice?

"Everything you do, my Tess, is pleasurable to me. Everything you do will be perfect, because you are doing it. Nothing you do or feel or say will ever detract from the perfection you own inherently, and the love that I have for you will only ever grow because of it. Do you understand?"

I wanted to cry, I wanted to sing, I wanted to soar into the sky, borne aloft by the happiness and joy his words brought me. Instead, I brushed the collar of his robe aside, and touched my lips to the nearest part of him exposed by that action, trying to memorize the sensation of his warm, soft skin. He inhaled sharply, his arms tightened almost painfully around me. I felt a rush of power, feeling him respond to my touch. I pushed the robe further down, exposing more skin to touch, to kiss. I grazed nails across his back and simultaneously pressed teeth gently to his shoulder and the result was an exclamation as he moved against me.

Almost before I even knew it was happening, I was lain back against the pillows and Alec was above me. His full weight was distributed somehow, so I knew he was trying not to crush me. I couldn't concentrate though as his lips were against mine, his tongue filling my mouth. There was a hunger there, a need finally being met, and it both made my heart ache and my flesh sing. He had one arm around me, underneath me, the other hand was winding in my hair, cradling my head, pressing me against him closer and tighter, as if I had a thought to cease the kissing that both fed and increased an unnamable hunger.

My arms were around him, touching, feeling the skin of his back, his neck, his sides, finding his hips. I felt the urge to wrap my legs around him, it seemed the only thing to do- only my nightgown prevented me doing so. I stopped touching him long enough to pull the satin up, up, up, over my knees, so I could wend my legs around him, pull him closer, and hold him there.

He broke the kiss, and I nearly whimpered. He stopped moving, and that was when I realized that both of us had been in motion, our hips responding in a way I hadn't known I'd know, a rhythm whose cessation caused an actual ache somewhere inside of me. I began to move once more, and he raised his head to look at me. His hand disentangled from my hair and he raised himself above me, balanced on his elbows. I lifted my head, kissed his neck in an effort to resume what had been happening half an instant before, and he stopped me.

"Alec- did I already do something wrong? Is something not right, I promise to do whatever it was differently, only don't stop kissing me, please."

"No! No, Tess, everything was… Too good. I don't want this to end too quickly. I want to draw it out, make it last as long as possible. At the rate we were going, it would be so fast. I long to do something- will you be a bit patient with me?"

"As you wish. What shall I do?"

"Nothing. I want you just lie there and let me pay attention to you, to…" He moved to the side, and I instantly missed the weight of him upon me. I turned my face to him, and smiled. He smiled and gave me that look of adoration mingled with wonder that made me think I did not deserve such reverence. He trailed fingers across my brow and I closed my eyes in response, focusing on how soothing and arousing such a simple touch could be. I felt him kiss my eyelids, then nose. He slowly kissed my face again and again, never stopping with the gentle caress. His hand went lower, to my throat, and his lips followed, eliciting such delight, I almost purred in response. One particular spot, where my neck met my shoulder, responded to his lips with an intensity I would not have thought possible. I gasped and he paused.

"No, no- more, do it again…"

His lips again brushed the spot, and I was instantly back to where I'd been before- all the skin of my body seemed to awaken, the hum, to cry for attention. He kissed the spot as his hand found its counterpart on the other side of me and my body rose up in response, arching against the air. He moved his mouth to where his hand had been, found the exact spot on the other side of my neck, and instead of a kiss pressed his teeth, oh so gently, against it.

Again, I twitched, and the added pressure of his teeth felt so good, so intense, I moaned aloud. The sound was strange in the silent room, and I covered my mouth with my hand, as if to push the embarrassing sound back inside of me, and definitely to muffle any others from following.

"No, Tess- believe me; any sound you make, it's a good thing. Any noise, any word, any sound is the right one."

"But it sounded so… wanton. I don't want you to think me an animal."

"Open your eyes, darling." I did, and his face was there, his hand holding mine, his eyes smiling though his lips set in a sincere way. "I said everything you did would be the perfect thing to do, didn't I?" I nodded and he kissed my hand. "I know you trust me, but you must trust yourself enough to believe me about this. Every noise, every change of breath- it only tells me more and more what you want, what I am doing that is correct. So, no more trying to stifle yourself, agreed?"

I nodded again. He lowered his face and spoke directly against my ear- and even that made the fire stoke higher yet again, served to return me to a place where I was feeling such pleasure I could only await what was also in store. He asked for permission to unlace my nightdress, and I could only nod wordlessly.

He kissed my ear as his hand returned to my throat, touching. He whispered to me, as he touched. He whispered as his hand found the ribbon holding closed the nightdress. He whispered as he began to pull at the ribbon, unwinding it.

And what did he say? Such things! He whispered of my beauty, which only grew the longer he knew me. He whispered of my strength, of body and spirit, which dwarfed everyone he knew, especially his own. He whispered of his thanks for what I was giving him- in letting him touch me, in letting him see me, in letting him even love me. He whispered of his fear that anyone could be as happy as I made him, and how he could scarcely believe that any of this could happen to one as undeserving as him. Of how he hoped to somehow prove himself worthy of all my love.

And then he whispered please. He whispered thank you. He whispered would I let him look at what his hands had uncovered, at the sight of me laid bare in his bed? And I could only whisper back, yes.

He rose, so he was kneeling beside me. And then he did not move and the whispering stopped. Fearing a spell had been broken, fearing the worst, I opened my eyes and beheld his face. His face was saying all that his mouth had previously- his face bore a look of adoration, of wonderment, of rapture- all of it refined by love. He reached a hand, and gingerly drew it down the center of me, starting at my neck. Down, down my chest, between my breasts, to rest on my stomach.

"I know you'll grow tired of hearing it, but every part of you that is uncovered is even more beautiful than the last. I see by your face that you don't believe me, but if even the smallest bit of you proved anything less than ideal, I'd be able to cease talking about it."

With that, he lowered himself, and pressed his face to my stomach. And then he was kissing me, gently, everywhere. He kissed a trail across my stomach, up and over my ribs, my chest. His hands roved from my hips to my back to my shoulders, pulling my nightdress from my arms, leaving me completely uncovered, totally exposed. He laid me back, still so gently. It was then that his hands found their way to my breasts- the lightest of touches, then increasing in intensity until his mouth joined them.

I no longer kept track of my breathing, though part of me heard it growing ever more frantic. I no longer paid heed to the noises I was making, though I know I made them. I could think only of what he was doing, of his tongue moving across and around, over and over, drawing my flesh into his mouth where he sucked and I felt such pleasure it nearly bordered on physical pain. I felt headed toward something monumental, something that would be a release, but I could not see where it could come from. I knew only that the more his tongue, teeth, and hands touched, the more I wanted. My body must have known this as well, from the way it moved toward him, offering always another place for him to touch and lick, begging in a way that bespoke of a deep hunger, begging for attention and fulfillment.

And then his lips followed another trail to a different place- down my body, heading for the dark patch of hair between my legs. Part of me thought it must not be decent, for a man to do what he seemed about to do, but a larger part was only expectant of all the pleasures only Alec could bring me, and watched, astonished, as first his hands and then his lips found purchase there. The flesh cried out, something in the center of me began to come to a boil. And the whispering started again, only this time I was the one giving voice to thoughts, but the only words I found were yes, and please, and now.

In the midst of an ever-building wave of sheer intensity, I found myself opening my eyes to watch him. Though his fingers were moving in places I'd never known I had, though his lips and tongue were questing over some secret part of me that screaming in pleasure at his ministrations, Alec's eyes were on my face. I could not stop looking into their blue, blue depths as I also noticed his face work harder, and he began to draw something from deep inside of me outward, outward, screaming into existence, borne of exultation. I felt myself inhabiting my body in a way more strong and real than I'd have though possible, wondered if anyone could handle such pleasure, and then my entire body clenched like a fist, convulsed around Alec's fingers, curled into a ball, and I screamed his name into the ether, certain I'd died in some sort of fit of euphoria.


	14. Be Proud When You Dazzle The Wondrous

My body unfurled itself, my breathing began to return to normal, but I could still feel myself twitching from the inside out. Alec's hands withdrew from where they'd been, and roamed about me- across my hips, stomach, down to my thighs. He was kissing, little loving kisses, everywhere he could. I felt as if his touch were consecrating me, marking me as his, making me holy and true as each bespoke the truth of every promise we'd made over the course of the night.

I could not stop myself from laughing in wonder and joy at it all. I reached down and touched Alec's hair, his neck, his shoulders, longing for the chance to cover his with kisses, to touch every part of him, to learn how to make him as incoherent and ecstatic as he had made me.

He moved up my body, lips ghosting across my chest, finding once more that sweet, sweet place on my neck. Reluctant as I was to stop his ministrations, my need to see his face and kiss his lips was stronger. I pulled his face toward mine, grinning like a fool as I kissed him again and again. I felt a surge of contentment and perfection that was so strong I was helpless against it. In a reflexive movement I wrapped my legs and arms around him, capturing him against me as if I would never release him. He held me back, for a moment we both stopped our hands and mouths wandering, and instead luxuriated in a moment of perfection and simplicity.

But if I thought that was all there was to our coupling, I was mistaken. Whatever had been quenched by my earlier release was once more roaring into life. In a greedily indescribable way, I wanted more and more, knowing something else lay in store. I had a slight notion of what that was, and an inclination that it involved whatever of Alec's was pushing against me even at this moment. My hands moved from the muscles of his back and lower, to his hips, and slipped to the front of him. My hand wrapped around him, taking note of the smoothness of the flesh, even as I could feel the pulsing of blood within.

Alec drew in a raggedly sharp breath and exhaled in a gasp. His eyes closed and I watched his face respond to my touch, showing the same pleasure bordering on pain that I had experienced before, that I began to feel again as I watched his response to my tentative touch. He tried to say my name, but everything was lost and he was reduced to quickening breaths and gasps of words, shadows of thought loosing themselves. I thought he was trying to tell me what came next, or move his hands to direct me, but each adjustment of my fingers shattered any thought, and my own passion grew in the face of his.

Again, my body seemed to know what was required, as if dancing in a way it had always known, if I had not. I moved slightly apart from his body, only giving enough room for me to guide him to the opening he had prepared with his fingers. I paused, savoring the sense of completion being so near, torturing us both with the delay, drawing out the pleasure just to point of endurance. He grinned that Alec grin at me, the one that said, Just watch what I'm about to do. The one that said, Trust me- I answered aloud, whispered, "I do."

He reached a hand between us and his finger found that unspeakable place his tongue had danced across earlier, and a jolt of pure pleasure shot through every nerve, every sinew, every muscle of my body. My legs locked behind his back as I arched toward him, holding on, drawing him inside of me as far as he could go, and holding him there. We both cried out, and I wondered if it felt to him as though everything in life, in the history of the world, only happened to ensure this moment, this perfection, this instant of blinding… fullness.

He pulled out, just a bit, and I almost objected but his hand began moving against me again. I writhed beneath him, in movements growing ever more frantic. My hands clinging to his shoulders sank into his flesh, holding on for dear life as he kept moving, as he set his forehead against mine, as we breathed through each others mouths and sensible speech fell away , for what words could ever hold onto or contain the joy, the building of gratification. My pleasure attained itself, and I could feel my body once more seizing around his even as my fingernails sank into his flesh and for a moment I could see only stars.

But even at that, he did not stop. His hand wandered up from between us, grasping, caressing up, stopping at my breast, and I knew that another seizure was nearly upon me. Never stopping his movements in and out of me, he brought his hand to my face, and he looked into my eyes which had shot open in wonder, my vision returned. I grinned, I laughed, and I took a deep breath, bracing myself for the next coming. His hand still cradled my face and I turned slightly, taking his thumb between my lips. I began to suck at it, not even knowing what I was doing as his face buried in my neck, his lips kissing, his teeth carefully teasing ever more pleasure from my flesh.

And then it came, the last, the greatest rush of delight yet. Losing myself a little, I bit the thumb which was between my lips, and he cried out- his ecstasy arriving at last, taking possession of him, drawn out and pushed over the edge at the urging of my teeth. He bellowed, his body went stiff, and just like that, he exhaled, he relaxed on top of me, and the only sound left to fill the room was our panting, as our breathing slowly returned to normal.

He moved to pull out of me, and I stopped him.

"Cannot you stay? I like it so well…" I reached to my lower belly, drawing a hand across, shivering with the after gasps of pleasure as well as the knowledge that a part of him was still inside of me.

He lowered himself upon me once more, the sweat of our bodies feeling like some sort of sealant.

"The only problem is, my Tess, that you have worn me out so completely- I am a dried husk of the man I was an hour ago. I'm afraid I'll have to fall asleep soon, and I've no wish to crush you beneath my dead weight." He adjusted himself somewhat, laid his head on the pillow next to mine, his face turned toward me, speaking gently against my ear.

"I promise, Alec d'Urberville, I will be fine. I like the feel of you on top of me, of bearing your weight." I turned to look into his face, and could see his eyes already struggling to remain open. I ran a hand through his hair again and again, and the words he attempted to say were hushed as he gave in. His breathing deepened, his exhalations tickling my neck. With one hand playing with the hair on the back of his neck, the other still on my belly, I too, gave myself over to sleep. But not before uttering one grateful, almost disbelieving word- "Mine…"

_Author's Note: I titled this story after the old folk song. I've titled the chapters with lines of the song. As the story goes on and on, I find myself both running out of lyrics for chapter titles, and finding it less appropriate as Tess changes her circumstances and reactions to them, finding her way toward a less desolate and solitary life. So, the most recent chapters are titled after different song lyrics. For the curious, they're from the song "Siren Song" by Bat For Lashes. _


	15. Are You My Family?

Three Months Later

There was a knock at the door, and Maisie curtseyed her way inside to the library. I'd been attempting to draw up plans for what lessons I would be covering when classes began in a few weeks. Given the variety of ages in my pupils, I was anxious to sort out some sort of way to teach them all.

"Begging your pardon, mistress, but there's a gentleman to see you. He's waiting on the veranda."

"Why not see him to where I am? I know you think it not formal enough, but most of my guests are close enough friends that they do not mind visiting here in the library. Or even one of those ghastly parlors- we really must do something about Alec's mother's sense of décor before my lying in; I've no intention to spend my days locked up around wallpaper decorated with hens."

Maisie blushed and turned her head, as she ever did when I made direct mention of my condition, and I smiled at her.

"To answer the question, mistress, he seemed somewhat in fear of the house. I made to bring him to you directly, but he did not care for that idea, I think. He saw the veranda and asked if he could wait there. Seemed a bit twitchy all around, if I may say so. Also seems sick- frightfully thin, tan yet pale at the same time. I sent to the kitchen for some beef tea and bread before I came to you."

I felt a starting within, a beginning suspicion of who my strange guest may be.

"Did he give a name, Maisie?"

"'Just Angel,' he said."

I felt simultaneously as if a door closed in my face and cold water were dashed upon my head. Had Angel returned in order to claim me? I had a sudden, sickening vision of Angel dragging me bodily from my home, bellowing that I was his wife and legal property. If he chose to do that, I intended to fight, of course. I was no longer a woman whose sole purpose was to be carted about at the whims of men. Having tasted happiness and strength, I would not surrender any longer to that which I did not desire.

But then I remembered that, just as likely, Angel had come with a bill of divorcement or some such. I also thought about the sort of hell Alec would raise if anyone tried to separate the two of us- no, I touched a hand to my lower belly, just beginning to peek out of its normal shape. Alec would not suffer the three of us to be separated.

I felt an urge to call Alec, but he was out in the fields, inspecting something or other. Perhaps, I could send word for him to come, but the time it would take him to come in would give me a chance to talk to Angel all on my own. Yes, that seemed the best course of action- I asked Maisie send out little Billy, from the kitchen, to summon Alec to the house.

I could see him as I approached the veranda, watched him as I opened the door and stepped outside. Maisie was right- Angel seemed withered and frail. If I had not been told that it was he who awaited me, I would never have recognized him. He was pacing back and forth, next to a table upon which sat the tray of food Maisie had ordered. The food remained untouched.

At the sound of the door opening and me stepping through, Angel started. He turned to me as I spoke his name, and for a moment, I think he was on the brink of embracing me. But I made no move toward him, so he quickly stopped himself. He wound up stretching himself up to his full height and then rolling back on his feet, clenching his hands into fists at his side. For someone so physically wasted, it was odd to feel the air of tension rolling off of him. He seemed to be suffering from sort of inner turmoil, as if warring factions were tearing at him, and no words could fight free of the maelstrom.

I'd already forgotten or forgiven much of my resentment and hurt in regards to Angel Clare. How could I begrudge any of the experiences which had shaped not only my path of life, but also my very self, readying all things in order that Alec and I found one another again, just when we were both in such need?

But even if there were any lingering stings in my heart, anything which remained of pain in light of Angel's treatment of me, they melted away in the pity that overtook me at seeing his sorry state. I could never stand to see a creature suffer, and Angel so clearly was.

"Angel Clare. What has happened to you?"

"Tess, I… Oh, Tess, I thought to never look upon your face again! How is it you have grown more lovely, even as I have become one so sickened and wasted away?"

I went to his side, put an arm about him to support his fragile weight. Mistaking my intentions, he put an arm about my shoulder, and laid his face against my neck before I knew what was happening. I could feel him inhale, as if he were trying to smell my very skin. I managed to move and he followed, and I lowered him to sitting upon one of the chairs. He tried to hold on to me, but my strength was greater, and with a gentle word from me, I was released.

Ignoring the way my stomach had churned in response to his touch, I sat upon a chair next to his, pushing the tray toward him.

"Angel, you need to eat. You did not answer my question about what has happened since last we saw each other."

"I've no appetite- now that I've found you again, I am unable to stop feasting upon your beauty-"

"You look like you are trying to keep warm at Death's door, and I'll not speak to you if you keep prattling on about my beauty, nor if you refuse to eat any longer. You must take at least one drink and one bite before I'll consent to say or listen to another word."

He looked confused by me, but gave in.

"Yellow fever. I had the yellow fever, in Brazil. I nearly died. I wasted away to nothing- you've no idea. I look so much better than I was down there. And it was in the fever that I could think of nothing but you. I treated you so wrongly, but I had to all but die to realize my own foolishness. I've been trying to get back to you for so long, Tess. Nothing has been right since I bid you goodbye, nothing in me or the world around me. Everything in Brazil was terrible, so terrible. And haunting my every step, was your voice, your eyes, the way I left you crying. But now I'm here, and we shall be together again- shan't we, my Tess?"

"Alec, how did you find me here?"

"I had a letter. It was from Marian and Izz- it was not exactly kind. They said I should never try to find you, they said I'd been unspeakably horrid to you. They said you'd found someone who cared for you, looked after you, and who would protect you better than I ever could."

I remembered my mother saying she'd met friends of mine while traveling on Lady Day. They had introduced themselves because they thought they saw a resemblance between Mother and me, and asked for news of my well-being. She had told them everything about me- about settling in with Alec, about how we were all to live at Trantridge. She said they'd seemed both delighted for me and intoxicated by more than the spirit of the day. I could just imagine them sending a letter to Angel, fuelled by drunken camaraderie, telling him everything by way of making him regret his treatment of me.

"They said not to look for you, but from their description of your savior, I was reminded of what I knew of d'Urberville. It seemed worth a chance, so I came here to find you as soon as my father's doctor said I might leave. I've been recuperating at home, after my illness and the journey. It seems true enough- you are here. Are you really with that doggerel, that evil man who defiled you in the first place? You've gone back to him, it would seem."

"That is one way of seeing things, Angel. Yes, Alec is the one who… affronted me, all those years ago. And he also is not- he has changed a great deal since then. Just as I've changed a great deal since you left. We cannot stay the people we were; life changes us, for better or worse. Either way, I am here, and I am with Alec."

"As some sort of… kept woman, is that it? What has he done to imprison you further? How could you so easily volunteer yourself as his harlot- again?" "Angel Clare, before casting any of my choices in my face, I'll remind you that you are the one who left me once you learned of my past. You were the one who swore fealty before God and our friends, and left the next day. You were the one who abandoned me, without so much as a glance backward. When you left me all alone, you also left any right to pass judgment upon any of my actions. Will you agree with that?"

He got to his feet, and the next sentence was shouted at me. "I am your husband! I will not be questioned in this manner by a woman weak enough to fall victim to the same man over and over, to fall into the ways of sin and transgression at every opportunity!"

"You know, it isn't wise to speak to the woman I love in that tone of voice, or at that volume, old man. I'd think it over if I were you."

Alec, of course, had arrived at just that exact moment. But instead of going straight to Angel and doing something as male and overbearing as punching the other man, he merely walked to my chair, standing behind me, one hand on my shoulder, the other holding a cigarette.

"Or, what, will you fight me? Will you strike a man so wasted in body and spirit?"

"No. But Tess might. And I'm afraid she'd be well within her rights to respond in such a way. She won't, of course- I'm the only man she ever felt deserving of physical violence. You know, she once knocked me over and kicked me while I lay on the ground."

"Oh, Alec, I've apologized for that- only you would bring it up now." I stood, and Alec's hand trailed from my shoulder to my hand. I kept a hold upon it, and held it behind my back.

"Angel, I will not be subject to your words or tempers any longer. I only wonder you took the bother to find me, if it were only to reprimand me for things I've done since you left.

"I don't mean to sound like someone who is bitter or unforgiving. I hold no grudge against you, sir. I have found more happiness with this gentleman here than I thought anyone could attain on this Earth, and I've no room in my heart for resentment. I think it was wrong of you to treat me as you did, and you seemed, when you first began speaking just now, as if you agreed with that. Why this bitterness on your part? Why this recrimination? Why not agree to go our separate ways and shake hands as friends when we part?"

"Because, according to the law- the laws of both men and God- we are still wed."

"That is nothing to me, Angel. Did you realize abandonment is grounds for annulment in England? I've looked it up, I've researched it. We did not consummate our union. If the letter of the law is so important to you, then get the annulment, or divorce me- I care not for such things. But did you truly come here with a mind to take me back with you? Did you think I would be wasting away somewhere, pining for the man who crushed me beneath his heel?"

To my utter surprise, Angel sat heavily upon his chair and began to weep. I heard Alec murmur behind me, more from surprise than disdain, "Oh, dear."

I knelt beside him, though Alec, I could see, did not want me so near. He worried for me, but I was still certain, after all, that Angel would not go so far as to strike me.

"Angel- I am happy. You've no idea how happy, how in love we are. He is the only man who has never scorned me, never judged me. He is a different person than when I knew him before- now the kindest, truest man in all the world. The girls were right- he will never leave me, he will always protect me; same as I'll never leave his side, and same as I'll fight against everyone in the world, if I have to, to protect him and keep him safe. I had no notion that it was even possible to be so free with someone, keep no secrets and hide nothing of myself. Everything about me, he loves and accepts unconditionally. And I know all of his dark sides, his moods and caprices- but I love him all the more for each of them.

"Trusting what I say, that I am happy and provided for, why do you not go on your own way? You are free, you can go into the world, do whatever you please, find someone who pleases you as Alec pleases me. You owe me nothing, and I owe you nothing."

"Tess, I am sorry for my temper. I don't know what came over me. I think I was expecting to find you waiting for me- I think the Tess I knew would have. But I never stopped to think that the way I dealt with you would change your heart- I never spared a thought for what the world would do to you in my absence. My pride was so hurt, I felt so confused, I cared only for myself and left you like that. Pretending that you would go to my parents, abase yourself for help, if you needed it. If I'd thought at all, I'd have known you could never do that, and it was my only provision for you. It was as if I never knew you at all."

"I seldom knew myself in those days. In the hardships and troubles that followed, that was when I became acquainted with my own self, my heart of hearts. And I, I turned bitter. I turned hard and sullen. If you'd seen me a year after you'd left, you'd have never known me, so hard had my heart become- toward you, and everyone in the world, almost. That was when Alec came back to my life. Seeing such a person turn into who he'd become helped me. He helped me, and he stayed with me. It was in his eyes, then in his arms, that I became someone else- somehow someone more myself than I'd ever been."

"I believe I came to you, Tess, because of my shame. I offered you the world and at the first test of honor I betrayed your trust. I hoped to find you and somehow redeem myself in your eyes. Prove that, if nothing else, I knew the error I've done. I need to earn your forgiveness for my actions. I can't expect you to love me ever again, but forgiveness- that I might be able to achieve. I might be able to earn back some respect in your eyes. Or, that was the hope…"

"There's no earning of forgiveness on a scale such as that, Angel Clare."

He lowered his whole head, his chin against his chest, his slip of a body collapsing in on itself. I reached out, taking his chin in my hand, turning his bony face to look into mine.

"But there is the forgiveness in grace, Angel. I promise you: I forgive you, I bear you no ill, and I wish you on your way in peace. It is all I have left for you, forgiveness. And a wish for well being."

I reached for Alec's hand, and he pulled me to my feet. I moved back a very little bit, settling against him. His arms found their way by instinct, wrapping around my waist. I placed a hand over his where they met on my stomach, and tilted my head, leaving room so he could rest his head on my shoulder.

"You said something rather similar to me, once. Do you recall, my Tess?" He whispered in my ear, that whisper that never failed to elicit shivers up and down my skin.

"I do, my Alec." I kissed his ear, then returned my gaze to Angel, to see what he thought of everything.

He was looking at me with a strange expression, confusion mixed with hope and sadness.

"You've encountered, Mr. Clare, what I call the Grace of Tess. Not quite the same as the Grace of God- but only a little less desirable."

"And how did you respond when it was bestowed upon you, sir?"

"I wept, actually. Quite a lot of tears. But when I looked into those eyes and saw how deeply she meant it, I shook her hand in friendship."

"Mere friendship?"

"You know the tale of my past with Tess. How could I, of all people, ever hope for more than that? I had no mind of more than friendship, knowing how little I deserved anything at all."

I laughed, and moved Alec's and my hands to just below my navel. "The more than friendly bits came a bit later than the friendly bits. In their own time."

Angels eyes traveled to our hands then back to our faces. There was a pause as it occurred to him what we were saying without speaking the words.

"You are… with child?"

I nodded.

"And the child is his? But you are not married! Well, not to him."

"True enough, Mr. Clare. But comes a time when you make your peace with God, and leave the laws of man to men. Let others concern themselves with disapproval- we know that life is too short to let that rob us of happiness. Don't we, my love?"

"We do, indeed, my love." And then I kissed him, just because I could.

"You two do realize that just because you are madly in love doesn't mean you have the right to force others to witness evidence of your affection, don't you?"

Alec laughed and we parted our lips. "Hello, Liza-Lu. Please feel free, as always, to interrupt and pass judgment."

Liza-Lu sat herself down in a chair, eating an apple, seemingly unaware that she might be interrupting a conversation. "Well, as I'm the one who understands the rules of decorum better than anyone standing here-" she nodded at Angel, "except possibly him, I'd thought I'd remind you. There are twenty-two rooms in this house, and at least that many doors- if you feel that you must do those things, please, go close a door between yourselves and the rest of us."

"When school starts, Liza, I'll allow you to tech the lesson on manners and deportment."

Then Alec tickled me and I shrieked with laughter. I was looking up at him, gasping for breath, but I could almost hear Liza roll her eyes a little way away. It was to Angel that she next hope, apparently having decided it was useless to speak with either Alec or me.

"They are like this all the time, you know. Touching, kissing- tickling, laughing. I try to get Mother to make them stop, but she says only that they are newly in love, and people in the beginning of love are to be forgiven if they forget themselves in company. Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous?"

"I was a newlywed once, but for so short a time, I cannot say. Though I did once carry four girls across a flooded path, only to have a moment alone with one of them, and to carry her in my arms. I was sore all the next day, but was not sorry for a moment. You're Liza-Lu, then? Tess's little sister?"

"Yes. You're her 'husband,' then, are you? Cherub or something your name was…"

Liza managed to imbue the word husband with the most imaginable irony and disdain, leaving no one in doubt as to whether or not she held Angel in any sort of high regard.

"Angel- it's Angel. But it could have been worse; I've a brother named Cuthbert. You and Tess seem to have parents with a better propensity for names."

"And it could have been even worse. Do you know what Tess named her child?"

"Liza-Lu!" Alec and I had parted enough for me to take a seat. He still stood behind, a hand to my shoulder. At Liza's mention of Sorrow, he sternly said her name. I looked up in time to see him shaking his head at her. She murmured some faltering words and then continued, as if she hadn't been stopped.

"I only mean that I can't think what she'll be naming this one."

"My father once said that a person's name is part of their destiny.- though I've not proven too angelic in my nature. Have you thought of a name for your child, Tess?"

"We've talked about it a bit. We've only settled on something for a girl."

I looked up to Alec, tilting my face toward him as if asking for a kiss. He touched my neck, leaned down and kissed my forehead. I smiled, a smile wider than the outdoors and dwarfed by the joy in my heart, as I answered Angel's question.

"Grace. Our daughter will be named Grace."


	16. Be All You Would Want and More and More

It wasn't until we were readying for sleep that night that Alec and I were alone and able to talk. We moved about the room in a practiced dance of undressing and hanging clothes, I hummed as we did so- Alec glowered.

"Madame, if I may, it seems to me we ought to discuss certain matters."

"Why, certainly, Mr. D'Urberville. What troubles you, sir?"

"In short, the fact that I believe I heard the most extraordinary thing just a few minutes ago. I believe I heard you invite your erstwhile husband to sojourn with us a while. Did that really happen?"

"Yes, sir, it did."

"Tess, I know you're a woman of your own heart and mind, I know that you have a kindness as big as the out of doors. I know that he is a sadly wasted wisp of who he used to be, and you pity his sorry state. But you asked him to stay…"

"Alec, don't be silly, and stop pretending to be frustrated with me- you fail miserably at the show. The man is still not himself after his illness- what should I do? You know as well as I do that the journey here from his parents wore him out and he requires rest. And so, he shall stay the night."

"But I believe the term you used when talking with him was 'as long as you like,' and that could be… who knows how long. What on earth can you have in mind?"

"You heard him at dinner- he thinks his parents are still getting over the shock of seeing him so ill, and he already felt a burden upon them in the time he's been back, resting and gathering his strength once again. Besides, you've met the brothers, who are still with the parents- can you blame him for yearning to be away from those? He might as well stay here as anywhere.

"In addition to the fact that we've more than enough room and resources to house another body, he is well-trained in the art of farming. He could be quite useful to you, and to mother. Not necessarily to run anything, but to consult when questions arise. I know he was quite the aid to Farmer Toothabays back at his farm.

"Are you angry that I did not ask you before I invited him?"

"Not even a little, my dove. I keep telling you that you are mistress of Trantridge: inviting guests is your right. I'm quite pleased to see you asserting your rights."

"Then wherein do you fault me?"

"I fault you never, my love- I bluster because…"

His voice trailed off and I knew the cause as well as he- he felt blustering was what a husband should do in this instance, so he was making a token argument.

"And besides- if he and Liza-Lu should take a fancy to one another, how would that be? Perfect, I think. He'll find no fault in her, and she'll brook none of his ridiculous masculine bravado. I think they are well-suited."

"You mean you intend for your sister to take a shine to your former beloved? You are more extraordinary with every passing moment! But, I confess- my complaint is simply that I don't like the man, and have no wish to be around him. You seem well able to forgive him-"

"Alec, don't talk nonsense. You know it took much for me to look through and past what Angel Clare did. It took a little time, and not a little effort."

He continued as if I'd not interjected. "- but I find the urge to punch him in his face nearly overwhelming. He's lucky he's been so ill, or I likely would."

I laughed once more at his words, and made a dismissive gesture with my hand. I sat at my vanity, unpinning my hair, smiling at the mirror's image of him pacing behind me, wandering a hand through his hair in an agitated manner.

I hummed a short note and then began to sing, knowing it would draw his vague distemper from him, as poison from a wound.

_My own love said to me, 'My mother won't mind,_

_And my father won't slight you for your lack of kind.'_

_She laid a hand on me, and this she did say:_

'_You are my own love, e'en without a wedding day.'_

It was a simple tune, and my voice carried all through the large room as it danced over the notes. I had just finished the removal of all those pins when he stepped behind me. I smiled, and did not stop singing. I skipped many verses, I changed words as I went, and I watched him, perhaps only imagining that I could see the worry leave his body, as well as the memory of what we'd been discussing.

_Last night she came to me- my own love came in._

_So softly she moved, that her feet made no din._

_She laid a hand on me, and this did say:_

'_You are my own love, e'en without a wedding day.'_

He placed both hands upon my head, gently rubbing away the tension created by the pins, easing the discomfort I endured daily with barely a notice. Under his assured touch I forgot all else, my song dying in my throat, focusing on the feeling of my blood rushing about my head, seeming to purr in response to his touch. I leaned my head back against his waist, and his hands moved from my scalp to my neck, still moving with firm strokes, banishing care. His hands roamed to settle on my shoulders, fingertips resting upon my clavicle. Having had some months in his bed, I had never grown so used to his touch that it failed to excite and entice me.

Feeling him pause, I opened my eyes and found him looking down at me, a ponderous look in his darkening eyes. Seeing me looking back at him, his fingers trailed up my neck, cupping my chin.

"Is something wrong, my love?"

"No, Tess. My Tess." His fingers caressed the planes of my face, his eyes doing the same. He knelt beside me, and I turned my head to his, now on level with mine. I brushed a lock of hair across his forehead, then kissed the small space between his eyebrows.

"Tell me you understand, tell me you believe- how every single moment of every day, I am consumed by the activity of thanking God that the roads turned and He smiled and somehow things came to pass in such a way that you came back to my life. Never think that I, for even the space of a single heartbeat, fail to wonder that you are here, with me, and that you love me. I've only just begun to believe it all, and sometimes I still fear that I will awake from this paradise we've carved out, and find it all a dream."

I laid my forehead against his, and smiled.

"I am so happy, Alec- I worry it tempts to the Fates to turn against us. I worry, too, that we are too content and complete for mere mortals, that this shall all vanish one day and I'll find myself back in the hell of the stave-acre farm. But if that is true- if this be not real, I've made up my mind to love every moment, and to love you best of all. If it will not last, I cannot think on it; I can only enjoy every look you give me, every smile, every kiss. I'd never have believed the happiness afforded by something so simple as looking up beside the fire, and seeing you there."

"Tess, oh my Tess…" He buried his face in my neck, and pulled me to him. I moved from the chair, and we pressed together, our bodies wended as if one being, our breathing coming together if not at all, our heartbeats echoing a rhythm all their own, answering one and the other. All worry was as nothing, all fears dissipated by the strength of our union, of our love.

And thus we would face any and all comers in every year to come- as one single entity. We would be the road as it road before us, hand in hand, belonging body and soul to each other and nothing or anyone else. And in the years to come, that alone would never change. Fortunes would come and go, luck would dance in and out. Children would be born and their voices add to the songs we sang each other. Things would change, they would stay the same- sorrows would enter, but sometimes be forestalled. But always was Alec, always Tess- always like a single thing.

He raised his head and his lips found mine, and I felt the kiss that ensued was the sealing of the solemnity of that moment, of that unity- stronger than any other known promise, that bound us together for now and always, world without end. Amen.

**The End**

_Author's Note: I really would love to write The Beginning instead of The End, but that is too cheesy for words, so I'll refrain. Also, this really is the end of me writing this story. I might end up writing little bits here and there about the life Alec & Tess live together, their children, and how Angel still ends up with Liza-Lu… But for now, this is a closing chapter._

_To anyone and everyone who has read this story, I thank you. To the people who have enjoyed it, I thank you even more. To the people who have read it, enjoyed it, and reviewed it, I thank you exponentially; I don't always respond to reviews, due to the dullness of repeated THANK YOUs written in more and more capital letters and followed by more and more exclamation points. Each review has made my day, my week, and kept me going this whole year (yes, year) that I've been writing this. I can never properly express how thrilling it is when anyone says they enjoy what I've written._

_Random note: I never quite got around to Alec explaining or Tess realizing that the poem he recited to her in French was about lice. _

_Final note: Have you ever tried to track down a chipper British folk song? It's difficult. They're all about thwarted love, fallen women, and people whose loved ones are in graves that they refuse to stop lying atop while crying and wasting away. Nothing against any of that, but my search for a happier song to be sung between Alec and Tess felt rather pointless after a while. The song she sings to him in this chapter is She Moved Through The Fair (or She Moves Through the Fair, or He Moved Through the Fair). In most recording and transcriptions the lyrics are about a true love who dies before the wedding and then visits the singer in ghostly form. Well, that's not exactly uplifting, though it is hauntingly, almost ecstatically beautiful. So, I went more with the Sinead O'Connor rendition of the lyrics and changed them up a mite to suit these characters. Which may be pretty awful of me, but, hey, if it inspires anyone to track down this song who hadn't known it before, I think I can be forgiven. Sinead O'Conner, Loreena Mckennit, Marianne Faitfhful, Fairport Convention- tons of people have recorded the song, and I highly advise checking it out. Amazing stuff (my favorite version being a Richard Thomspon rendition available on Youtube). Okay, I'm finally going away now._


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